The Big Decisions

Bridgette and I are getting married this Thanksgiving weekend. In the past months, we’ve had to make a lot of hard decisions, and have some tough discussions to prepare us for what lies ahead. We’ve struggled with finances, labored over our concepts of marriage, and argued vehemently over my increasingly troubling meth addiction. Through love, compromise, and listening, we have concluded that I am right in all of these matters, and she is just a stupid woman. It seems we are truly meant to be.

There is one issue, however, that we have failed to see eye-to-eye on, and that is the issue of children. You see, Bridgette deeply desires to have kids, but I have a few deep-rooted doubts about doing so. It’s not that I don’t love kids – I do. I think it’s great when they do that wacky thing where they puke on your new shirt and you’ve got to pretend that you don’t care. My hesitation is simply this – I don’t want to bring my children into a world that has no robots.

Why would I want to raise my children to live in a world where robots do not exist, and where there is no demand for robots to be created, perhaps even by some superintelligent madman? Am I really alone in this? Where are all the damn robots that popular science fiction has been promising us for 70 years? According to the Jetsons, we’d all have a robot maid – but here we are in the 21st century, still relying on illegal immigrants for our housecleaning! I personally find the lack of robots in today’s society to be disgusting and wrong. I wish that somebody would stop spending all that money on worthless things like space exploration and education, and funnel it directly into a robot-making program of some sort. Hell, I’d volunteer to pitch in a few hours at the robot-making plant. I’ve got some time on Wednesday nights, and my Saturdays are usually pretty open. I could spend that time making robots. After a while, maybe we’d have enough robots to staff service sector jobs or shoot all the bums or something, I don’t know. Just make the robots first, and we’ll find something for them to do.

It really isn’t that hard. Please, join me in my plea for robots. You will likely not regret it, until they gain self-awareness and violently rise up against us.

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8 Responses to The Big Decisions

  1. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    On the plus side though, the likelihood that they would gain self-awareness and seek to destroy humanity during our lifetime would be slim to none. Our kids can deal with that one.

  2. Wugmanmax says:

    Oooh! You can make robot bums that shoot the real bums and take their place on expressway exits and in front of my house!

  3. Roger says:

    Instant “Best Of” my friend.

  4. sarah says:

    I think you should spend all that Wednesday night and Saturday free time to develop your own robots. I’m sure there’s something on the Almighty internet that can tell you how. You can develop a litter of robot babies that you and Bridgette can raise and train to shoot bums in David Carradine kung-fu style.

    If the 2 of you can handle that, a couple biological whiners should be no problemo!

  5. kevin sawyer says:

    Robots will smack birdget right in the teeth!

  6. _steve says:


  7. scott says:

    be fruitful and multiply

    even looks like its a pretty good babysitter, that kid looks scared!

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