My back really hurts.
It feels like I was giving 400-meter piggy-back rides to the Sasquatch.
It feels like the dinner table was accidentally placed atop my spine, and then a 6-course meal was served.
It feels like my spine has been worked over by rowdy goats.
It feels like I was forced to work in an undersized munchkin factory for 14-hour days breathing in the hot, muggy coal dust, causing me to get black munchkin-lung.
It feels like I sat on Satan’s anal pike.
It feels like truant teens filled my spinal column with fire ants.
It feels like the NBA draft lottery was held using my vertibrae instead of ping-pong balls.
It feels like if I cracked my back, it would pop into dust and my torso would flop backward unnaturally.
So yeah, my back really hurts…