My Suit

I’m wearing a suit today, and it feels nice.

Yes, it’s good to dress up for work from time to dime. It makes me feel all dapper and sassy and crap. My suit is pressed, and tailored to fit my body’s every nook and crevasse. In fact, it was hand-crafted by Kaiser Wilhelm’s personal tailor, who is now old and infirm, but still deft with a needle, or a riddle if you are so lucky (I was not).

People like me in this suit. The ladies smile their approval, and then men wink their satisfaction. As I walk in my suit, my mind surges with ultra-confidence and I calmly, cooly tell those nearby me what they are doing wrong and how I want them to solve their problems. They smile gratefully and genuflect reverently, and I walk on, pulsating with the power of my suit.

Sometimes my suit makes me hot, though, and then it doesn’t feel as good. Suit-sweat (not to be confused with a sweatsuit) is of a strange, bitter variety that tends to attract feral badgers. However, the sweat can be dabbed away with a handkerchief and the badgers can be bludgeoned to death with a crescent wrench – what matters is that the suit is classy. My suit is awesome. If you ask if you can borrow it, I will tell you to shut up. My suit is better than fudge and Wisconsin Dells combined.

Seriously though, it’s a good suit.

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6 Responses to My Suit

  1. _steve says:

    Hey man, can I borrow the suit? I’ve got to meet some associates of mine from South America at the docks next week, and I want to look classy and confident.

    And can I borrow a gun?

  2. Father Tupper says:

    “Yes, it’s good to dress up for work from time to dime.” Time to dime? HAHAHA!! Time is an abstract concept of the fluidity of our experiences, while a dime is legal tender!! That’s hilarious!
    But more important is the second definition of the word “sandwich”

  3. sarah says:

    To feel even more confident, try a suit with a skirt that barely covers your butt- instead of those cumbersome pants– with stiletto heels.

    You will truly find your power over men and confidence will exude from you like spray from a skunk.

  4. Laura says:

    Wow – they really put their all into discovering the best definitions for the word sandwich. Well done good and faithful servant!!

  5. Kevin S. says:

    Nice… How did the trial go today, btw?

  6. Roger says:

    Dirty, rotten, stinkin’, suit-wearin’ BADGER KILLER!

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