Apartment Animals

The other night, while packing up her things to move out of her apartment, Bridgette thought she saw a mouse run under the couch from the corner of her eye. She said she only glimpsed it for a moment, and it was something smallish and dark scooting across the room. Whether it was a mouse or not, she was pretty spooked. I told her not to worry about it. After all, it might turn out to be a poisonous snake.

Yeah, the way I figure it, Bridgette’s probably got another damned cobra coiled under her couch, and soon enough I’m going to have to go deal with it. With my luck, it’ll plunge it’s yellow fangs into my neck-flesh and send deadly venom coursing through my bloodstream before I have the chance to stun it with a mallet. Then I’ll end up at the hospital on a lousy respirator, tenderly whispering my final words to my loved ones before my heart explodes. Then my coffin will be stuffed with writhing cobras, (as per my last request) allowing the cobras to hollow out my corpse and nest inside my husk until they run out of food and devour each other. And after all that, Bridgette’s still stuck with something alive in her apartment.

Oh well, whatever it is, she can probably just gas it to death.

This entry was posted in Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Apartment Animals

  1. Roger says:

    Or buy a badger to eat it.

  2. _steve says:

    Dress up the animal in your cool suit and let it gorge itself on DQ Blizzards.

  3. sarah says:

    About 50 feral cats would also do the job. Once they slaughtered the mouse they would fight amongst themselves for cat dominance until in the end only one remained. He would be called Catticus and no creature large or small would dare enter its domain. As a result, it would starve to death, thus leaving the apartment unoccupied.

  4. johnny lat says:

    you know what works best? not those standard traps like on tom and jerry because those mice wise up quite a bit no…what works for mice are those 4×16 strips with a highly sticky substance and a new used phone book…first you put the 4×16 strip in the path which she saw the little basterd run …Then once you catch him with one dirty paw in and one paw out of the mess(carefull you don’t want to catch crylon9 but he’s probaly to clever for a sticky strip unlike that little vermin living for free in his high class lifestyle)anyway you bring the little mouse out side pick a random name for him from the phone book then scream “You die now Mr. thompson!!” then slam the book down on him. then to finish him off put your foot down and say “not in my girlfriends house not ever….”

    please don’t ask me how I know this…I’m sorry mr thompson…sigh

  5. Adam says:

    Hey Peter, don’t worry about it.

  6. Thom says:

    Apartment cobra’s are no laughing matter, Peter. According to Animal Control, they account for approximately 33% of pest related fatalities. That’s only slightly less than the number of pest related deaths caused by apartment elephants and it’s slightly higher than the number of fatalities from toilet dwelling alligators.

    As an aside, great white shark infestations of bathtubs rose 4% between 2003 and 2004.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>