Legion Beans

I just got back from celebrating my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary in the fine town of Royalton, MN. Actually, Royalton is really an awful, terrible crapstain on the face of central Minnesota, but that isn’t actually the point of my blog (maybe some other time…)

Anyway, while celebrating their amazing feat at Royalton’s American Legion, we were treated to an immensely satisfying pot-luck dinner. Noodle salad, roast beef sandwiches, and an estimated 36 pans of brownies awaited us at the buffet table. There was, however, one dish that satisfied like no other. One item at the table filled out bellies with it’s brown, savory goodness…

That item was baked bean hotdish.

Baked beans, mixed with a few lima beans, with savory bacon and sausage added. It was a feast like no other. The grandest pharaoh in Egypt never experienced cuisine this savory. In fact, I’ll bet that Pharaoh Ramses II’s food tasted like Sphinx puke compared with these baked beans. I scooped two ladle-fuls of beans onto my paper plate and eagerly devoured them when I returned to the table. I made my satisfaction known to those around me in non-verbal fashion by repeatedly banging my fist onto the table as hard as I could. Let me tell you, these beans were fricking amazing.

It turns out that I was even more out of control than I had realized. Once I stood up out of my chair, Bridgette quickly spotted that I had multiple beans stains on my shirt, as well as a series of spills on my pants. I wish I were kidding about that. Looking sheepishly at my soiled clothing, it was obvious that my bean-lust was out of control. I had somehow crossed the line between everyday bean enjoyment to full-on animalistic bean passion. Sure it’s a little embarassing to admit that publicly, and it was utterly humiliating to walk around the rest of the afternoon with beans all over my clothes like I was a two-year old. I can admit that.

But you must understand that I have no choice. I am a slave to the bean, and it is important for all of you to understand this.

Mr. Bean II

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10 Responses to Legion Beans

  1. _steve says:

    “Pharoah.” ;)

  2. peter says:

    lol – you beat me to it, _steve! I just noticed that and was going to fix it.

    But for the record, it’s “…aoh”, not “…oah”

    so embarassing…

  3. Pirate Pete says:

    Royalton is also home to ‘Treasure City,’ possibly one of the greatest tourist stops/hobo zones ever to exist. It boasts a plastic petting zoo, life-size pirate ship, and free ice, among other things. I’m a fan.

  4. Laura says:

    My vice: tator-tot casserole. Eating it is like looking into the face of God and hearing Him say “you are my most cherished creation”.

  5. kevin S says:

    I remember that one time when you started nibbling on my arm. I asked what was up, and you mentioned that I reminded you of beans… That didn’t make very much sense until now. You also screamed “taffy pants!” and took off running.

  6. Creepface says:


    He did that whole Taffy pants thing to me too. What the hell?

  7. Roger says:

    Mmmmm, tater-tot casserole…

  8. sarah says:

    The proper name for your bean hotdish is Calico beans. My mom makes them all the time but I don’t eat them.

  9. scott says:

    so would having a calico cat and making calico beans be overkill?

  10. peter says:

    I’d like to take a calico cat and drown it in calico beans and then make some unsuspecting person eat it in some sort of prank gone horribly awry.

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