Lincoln Love

My friend Thom is doing me a solid and making me a copy of Ken Burns’ mammoth documentary, The Civil War.

The North Wins

The film, which clocks in at well over 10 hours, is replete with rustic music, haggard voice acting, vivid storytelling, and enough unsavory closeups of Lincoln to cause gastrointestinal distress. The film has the power to mesmerize me with powerful history-lust at the first moment that a solitary fiddle breaks into “Dixie”.

Thom has already finished the first two episodes, and watching them again was like embracing an old, bearded friend. For reasons beyond explanation, the moment the film began I felt compelled to remove my shirt in the presence of Lincoln. I then squatted for two hours, transfixed at what unfolded before me on my substantial home entertainment system. When Bridgette entered the apartment, I ordered her not to make eye contact with me and to prepare me a burrito of unreasonable size and volume. So chastened, she did as I desired.

I ended up watching until the Battle of Antietam, where there were 26,000 combined casualties in one day of fighting. In other words, burrito time. I ate the said burrito donkey-style (using my knuckles instead of my fingertips), and emptied some of its contents onto the ground in memory of Jefferson Davis. Then I made Bridgette clean it up.

Feel free to join me tonight for another shirtless, donkey-style burrito-war party!

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7 Responses to Lincoln Love

  1. Dana says:

    Josh seriously wants that series. He received another Civil War video set, but none compares to the Ken burns version. If making a bootleg of it was legal, I’d seriously ask you for a solid in getting me one too… since not, I will continue to save the pennies we find on the street to acquire enough funds to purchase the 10 hour blood bath. Btw, Josh and I were married the Saturday after Thanksgiving also, good choice!

  2. peter says:

    Ah yes, I remember that!

    And remind Josh how sweet these movies are for me, just to make the wait that much more unbearable.

  3. Ken Burns says:

    You bootlegged my award-winning series? I will kill you.

    But not before you write a letter to Briggitte which begins

    “A can scarcely believe ’tis been two hour since we were twain. The cold is fierce, though my heart burns for you as a chimney. Still, I am bound to a greater good. For my country, I may die, though my love for you ill shall twast.”

    Which I will read as a violin plays a melancholy solo in the backgroud.

  4. Thom says:

    After watching them, I have found myself compelled to build a working civil war cannon using stale toast and frozen Aunt Jamima Pancakes. I am also working on a statue of Lincoln composed entirely of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara CD’s.

  5. Leroy says:


    If anyone had enough Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara CD’s to make a statue, it would be you.

  6. britney spears says:

    i don’t get it.

  7. I says:

    “I ate the said burrito donkey-style (using my knuckles instead of my fingertips)”

    That is completely fucked up, I loved it.

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