On the news last night they said that this is shaping up to be the warmest January in Minnesota history.
That ain’t right.
It ain’t right that today, January 24th, I am looking svelte and bronzed. It’s the dead of winter in the Northland – I shouldn’t be this lithe and tanned! I swear to you that I’ve never been to a tanning salon, my skin is healthy and glowing from the sheer unnatural warmth of this 2005-2006 winter. It is downright unnatural – nay, demonic that this should be the state of things.
Granted, come June, everybody knows that ol’ Pete’s gonna be sun-drenched and magnificent in his summertime finery. That’s as familiar as apple crisp and dried blood on a baseball glove. But for Ma Nature to be demanding timeless beauty from me during my off-season is something else altogether. Quite frankly, it pisses me off. After all, I get well-compensated by the E! cable network to look as good as I do in the summer. Who’s going to pay me to be gorgeous in January? WGN Chicago?!
I’m going to call my agent to complain about this…