Sending Sasha

America loves Sasha Cohen!

Last night, America’s newest skating princess glided into the lead in the women’s figure skating event. With her sprightly jumps, sassy spins and indomitable smile, she made Nancy Kerrigan look like a meth-addled convenience store employee. Truly, she was the belle of the ball!

And now we must strike while the iron is hot.

Sasha Cohen is our key to changing the world’s perception of our glorious republic. She is America’s greatest export since gangsta rap. Her beautiful skating reminded Americans of a better time in our nation’s history. A simpler time, when America was pure (except for the Indian atrocities). It is therefore imperative that we capture Sasha Cohen, enslave her, and make her to dance and skate before all the peoples of the world.

She will skate for Russian president Vladimir Putin, and he will politely applaud as his heart warms towards the American way of life. She will perform for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad causing him to frolic and laugh and create a watercolor painting of Uncle Sam riding on a unicorn. She will skate for the Sultan of Brunei to the strains of Ray Charles’ “Georgia on My Mind”, and he will feel an overwhelming love for America and demand that his eunuchs prepare him a fresh apple pie. When they fail to do so in a timely manner, he will have them beheaded as a show of strength to the young Miss Cohen, who will smile demurely in return.

May God bless America.

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12 Responses to Sending Sasha

  1. Ted says:

    We should clone her so that we can send her to multiple places at once. We could give one of her clones to France in hopes they would like us for the first time ever.

  2. peter says:

    They liked Ben Franklin.

    Maybe she could incorporate that into her skating somehow…

  3. Ted says:

    Yeah. She could skate in a coon skin cap.

  4. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Yep, just like Ben Franklin.

  5. Thom says:

    Ben Franklin posed for the artist who designed the Statue Of Liberty. You can see the resemblence in their feet.

  6. peter says:

    Ben Franklin invented the triple lutz.

  7. Chris B. says:

    From the looks on the faces of the three young girls behind Sasha, you’d think they’d never seen a full-unfurled adult female vagina before. This is an Olympics none of us will forget!

  8. peter says:

    Thanks for taking it there, Chris.

  9. Roger says:

    She could skate in such a way that the marks she leaves on the ice slowly but unquestioningly form a portrait of Ben Franklin.

  10. Chris B. says:

    Roger, just let the woman concentrate on displaying the intricacies of her genital undercarriage to the entire world before you go demanding such things.

  11. peter says:

    Chris is right. It’s what Ben Franklin would have wanted.

  12. Thom says:

    And so…Peter destroys yet *another* Olymic hopeful’s dreams via the JLP. Obviously the pressure he created caused her to fail to succeed in winning the gold last night. Who’s next, Peter??

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