America loves Sasha Cohen!
Last night, America’s newest skating princess glided into the lead in the women’s figure skating event. With her sprightly jumps, sassy spins and indomitable smile, she made Nancy Kerrigan look like a meth-addled convenience store employee. Truly, she was the belle of the ball!
And now we must strike while the iron is hot.
Sasha Cohen is our key to changing the world’s perception of our glorious republic. She is America’s greatest export since gangsta rap. Her beautiful skating reminded Americans of a better time in our nation’s history. A simpler time, when America was pure (except for the Indian atrocities). It is therefore imperative that we capture Sasha Cohen, enslave her, and make her to dance and skate before all the peoples of the world.
She will skate for Russian president Vladimir Putin, and he will politely applaud as his heart warms towards the American way of life. She will perform for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad causing him to frolic and laugh and create a watercolor painting of Uncle Sam riding on a unicorn. She will skate for the Sultan of Brunei to the strains of Ray Charles’ “Georgia on My Mind”, and he will feel an overwhelming love for America and demand that his eunuchs prepare him a fresh apple pie. When they fail to do so in a timely manner, he will have them beheaded as a show of strength to the young Miss Cohen, who will smile demurely in return.
May God bless America.