Ever had the feeling that you were being followed?

I haven’t.

Ever had the feeling like a whole bunch of gorillas were about to jump out of the bushes and just beat the living hell out of you? Now that I have felt!

It all happened in the summer of ’98. At the time, I was a junior in college. I recall that it was particularly balmy that evening as I walked alone down the sidewalks of St. Paul. I could sense something was amiss, however, and quickly deduced that an ape-fracas was imminent. I was certain that those hairy sons of bitches were dying to strike me about the head and neck with their taut, meaty arms. I’ve never felt this certain in my life about anything, and that includes my later decision to decline membership in the NEA.

Well, it turns out there weren’t any gorillas behind the bushes. No orangutans, either. Just a couple bums fighting over a dead squirrel. I officiated their fight and awarded the squirrel carcass to the victor before going my way alone. Later on that night, I probably watched TV for a while. I think it was Comedy Central.

This was Peter’s 37th contribution to a 50-article anthology of pointless stories that lose momentum near the end. Peter currently resides in Minneapolis with his wife Bridgette.

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Monkeypuncher

  1. michelle says:

    You were a junior in ’98. I didn’t think you were that much older than me.

  2. peter says:

    Me neither, Michelle!

    Of course, I also have no idea who you are…


  3. Pingback: » Like a Monkey Flinging Its Feces - The Monkey Exhibit

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