Fast Food Farewell

So what’s the deal, are there no Hardees left anymore?
Fleshy Thickness

Yesterday, as my wife and I were driving back from Rochester, she pointed out that the Hardees in Cannon Falls had closed. I wept vociferously as I began to recall the glorious times that I had experienced there. Many a night I made the 70 minute drive to my parents and would stop at this Hardees to order a monster thickburger, thus delivering a pulverizing attack on my heart and blood vessels. As Bridgette and I drove on toward the Twin Cities, my heart offered a strained, belated thump in remembrance.

Noted for its apathetic service and dismal waiting times, this Hardees had comforted me in sorrow, celebrated with me in joy, and commiserated with me in a successful eco-terrorist attack back in ’02. Though its food was oft inedible, and its supplies of ice seemed marginal, it remained a sentinel of white trash gluttony and societal disregard. That is why this swift, sudden end is so troubling to my spirit. If only we had expressed our occasional satisfaction with Old Man Hardee earlier, this sorrow might have been avoided.

This just sucks. Now we have to go to fricking Arby’s.

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14 Responses to Fast Food Farewell

  1. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Hardee’s Monster Thickburger was edged out by Baseball’s Best Burger. It is a hamburger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon — all between a “bun” made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut.

    I’m not making this up. See here for more details:

  2. Kevin S. says:

    Hardees hasn’t been the same since it got bought out by the owners of Carls Jr. who, to my understanding, used to be Klu Klux Klan big-wigs.

    Soon, all fast food establishments in Minnesota will be replaced by Chipotle, which is ironic given that nobody in this state knows how to pronounce it.

  3. Adam says:

    My first job was at Hardee’s. Before the monster thickburber they had the Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger. It it was 1/2 pound patty, 4 slices of chees, 3 strips of bacon, mayo on a buttered-toasted bun. 1,500 calories and 96 grams of fat. I had one customer who would eat two of them…

  4. scott says:

    hardee’s sucks anyway. good riddance.

    though i’m sorry for how it made you feel peter.

  5. We still have them down here in Alabama, Peter.

    We’re not sending them back. Not after all the NASCAR cracks … asshole. ;)

  6. Thom says:

    Actually, Kevin, Carl’s Jr is run by a Christian. A few months ago, they gave us that heartfelt ode to the sanctity of family known as “Paris Hilton in a bikini dancing around a black car and holding a Carl’s Jr Burger” ad. The Klan rumors were untrue.

  7. Sarah says:

    Not only Chipotle Kevin, Caribou coffee is also capitalizing, which is another irony given that they aren’t a fast-food chain.
    My beloved Fazoli’s in Maplewood, is now a fine Caribou trotting trend-setter.

  8. Micah says:

    The only one left that I’m aware of is up in Elk River right on highway 10. It’s worth the drive for the Frisco breakfast sandwich. I’m thinking of buying up a whole case of them before that place is gone too, ala Elaine Bennis.

  9. peter says:

    Then we ride to Elk River at dusk! Come, my brothers!

  10. Jon D says:

    Faribault still has one too. It burnt down a couple of years ago and they actually rebuilt it.

  11. peter says:

    I bet it was burned down by Burger King officials.

  12. Jon D says:

    I think it was the King himself, actually. Now that would make a great commercial!

  13. tim hopps says:

    The Winona Hardee’s is alive and well. Whenever I go back to the old hometown to play a gig, I spend a few bucks of my tip money afterward to indulge in a bacon cheeseburger, one of earth’s heavenly delights. Sometimes if I’m really hungry I get a fish sandwich too, which is way too much food for one person. I end up with a food hangover the next day. Ever have one of those?

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