Bridgette’s family is currently embroiled in what is becoming known as The Great Thank-You Fiasco. I would like to report on this episode to you as a cautionary tale on living in the Iron Range or having blood relatives.
Bridgette and I got married in November; a few months after her sister similarly got married. One of the annoying parts about getting married is firing off 3 or 4 dozen thank you cards in the weeks or months after the wedding. Etiquette tells us that you have anywhere from 6-12 months to get them all out, but it’s generally better to get them out sooner than later.
About two months after our wedding, Bridgette started getting voice messages from her uncle, letting her know that Grandpa was waiting to get his thank you card and he didn’t know why it hadn’t arrived yet. Bridgette’s sister received similarly ominous calls, and in greater number since her cards were a few months later than ours.
We finally got ours out a number of weeks back, 4 months after the wedding. Bridgette’s sister took a bit longer to write them, as she is wont to do, but she was sure to include a multiple-page letter to Grandpa, apologizing for the “late” card.
Problem solved, right?
No. In fact, it was only the beginning of the preposterous Thank-You Fiasco.
Easter Sunday. The whole family is together, dressed up, and walking into the small town Baptist church for the service. Bridgette’s uncle pulls her aside as we walk into the sanctuary for the following exchange:
Uncle: I know you didn’t actually write the thank-you we got.
Uncle: It wasn’t your handwriting.
Bridgette: Yes it was!
Uncle: But you didn’t address it to “Uncle Bob”, it just said “Bob”.
Bridgette: We didn’t address anybody’s that way, including Peters relatives.
I thanked her Uncle for sharing his Easter tidings with us thusly, and we took a seat.
Now, a week later, word has just reached Bridgette’s sister (who is 7 months pregnant) that Grandpa refuses to ever purchase anything for her child because his thank you card was so late. Apparently so great was the offense, that he will hold this grudge until Judgment Day (and beyond, if permissible).
Now, could we all have sent out the thank you cards in a speedier fashion? Sure. We could absolutely have done a better job of that, and maybe 4 months is too long to wait to receive a tiny card with a tired couple of sentences within. However, is this sin truly worthy of Grandfather’s vengeance and Easter morning accusations?
I shudder to think what they would have done with the cards had they received them the week after the wedding. Wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure would have knocked them to their knees as they would have moaned, “YES! THANK YOU CARDS! YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!” At that fateful moment, they would have become happy people, and remained so for the rest of their days.