I Hate Thank You Cards

Bridgette’s family is currently embroiled in what is becoming known as The Great Thank-You Fiasco. I would like to report on this episode to you as a cautionary tale on living in the Iron Range or having blood relatives.

Bridgette and I got married in November; a few months after her sister similarly got married. One of the annoying parts about getting married is firing off 3 or 4 dozen thank you cards in the weeks or months after the wedding. Etiquette tells us that you have anywhere from 6-12 months to get them all out, but it’s generally better to get them out sooner than later.

About two months after our wedding, Bridgette started getting voice messages from her uncle, letting her know that Grandpa was waiting to get his thank you card and he didn’t know why it hadn’t arrived yet. Bridgette’s sister received similarly ominous calls, and in greater number since her cards were a few months later than ours.

We finally got ours out a number of weeks back, 4 months after the wedding. Bridgette’s sister took a bit longer to write them, as she is wont to do, but she was sure to include a multiple-page letter to Grandpa, apologizing for the “late” card.

Problem solved, right?

No. In fact, it was only the beginning of the preposterous Thank-You Fiasco.

Easter Sunday. The whole family is together, dressed up, and walking into the small town Baptist church for the service. Bridgette’s uncle pulls her aside as we walk into the sanctuary for the following exchange:

Uncle: I know you didn’t actually write the thank-you we got.
Bridgette: What?
Uncle: It wasn’t your handwriting.
Bridgette: Yes it was!
Uncle: But you didn’t address it to “Uncle Bob”, it just said “Bob”.
Bridgette: We didn’t address anybody’s that way, including Peters relatives.

I thanked her Uncle for sharing his Easter tidings with us thusly, and we took a seat.

Now, a week later, word has just reached Bridgette’s sister (who is 7 months pregnant) that Grandpa refuses to ever purchase anything for her child because his thank you card was so late. Apparently so great was the offense, that he will hold this grudge until Judgment Day (and beyond, if permissible).

Now, could we all have sent out the thank you cards in a speedier fashion? Sure. We could absolutely have done a better job of that, and maybe 4 months is too long to wait to receive a tiny card with a tired couple of sentences within. However, is this sin truly worthy of Grandfather’s vengeance and Easter morning accusations?

I shudder to think what they would have done with the cards had they received them the week after the wedding. Wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure would have knocked them to their knees as they would have moaned, “YES! THANK YOU CARDS! YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!” At that fateful moment, they would have become happy people, and remained so for the rest of their days.

If only…

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28 Responses to I Hate Thank You Cards

  1. Uncle Bob says:

    Thanks for this post. Now I know what kind of man you are.

  2. _steve says:

    This is one of those entries that muddies the border between real and fiction. If this is real, then I’m completely puzzled as to how anyone can be such a jackass.

    And I know for DAMN sure that if someone pulled my wife aside and said something like that to her, I’d knock his ass OUT, I don’t care if he’s a minister and we’re standing in his church.

  3. peter says:

    _steve, it is all too real.

    And Uncle Bob, this was about somebody else.

  4. Thom says:

    Bridgette’s OTHER Uncle Bob?

  5. Thom says:

    BTW, I think there is a special place in hell for such pettiness. On the other hand, if said person got the greenlight into heaven from Jesus, I believe they will have to be the janitor in the mansions of people they were petty towards. I base this in something I read in the Gospel of Britany Spears.

  6. Jeff H says:

    I’d rather you just not give me a gift than give me one and expect a thank you card.

    So, on with the not giving me gifts.

  7. Adam says:

    Yep. I am for the punching the face idea. Hows that for a thank you note, biatch.

  8. scott says:

    i also support the knocking the jackass out. i did laugh hysterically when i read the sentence about how you thanked him for sharing his easter tidings.

    i think when i get married, i’ll just have the person accepting all the gifts hand people giving gifts a card that says “dear friend/blood relative, Thank you for your gift!” signed by my wife and i. that way nobody will get upset when i don’t send them a little impersonal note about how i thoroughly enjoy the new automatic can opener they bought my wife and i and how we use it all the time in the kitchen.

  9. Thom says:

    I will hire a midget to write and mail my thank you card for me.

  10. Did someone say midget? Lizzy LOVES midgets!

  11. kevin s. says:

    What I find amusing is that I haven’t even given you your wedding gift yet… I figure it’ll be about 6 months until your household is ready for a ferret anyway.

  12. Rachel says:

    When I get married, I will hire a task force to secretly open the gifts to find out what they are and fill the cards out apporpriately. Then, the thank you cards will be distributed before each guest leave the reception.

    And those who attend my wedding, but give the gift later – the same task force will call them and ask them where our gift is.

    No Fiasco’s at my wedding.

  13. Laura says:

    The grandpa will probably not give a gift. Then, after the baby is born, he will call them up and demand to know why they didn’t name the baby after him. Then, he will reinterate how he will never buy the baby a gift, ever. Then, he will be mad at never being allowed to see the baby.

  14. peter says:

    And he will live to be 118 years old.

  15. scott says:

    what did the grandpa give out anyway? tube socks or something? old people products of some kind?

  16. Mrs Q says:

    so this isn’t just my family?….it’s
    strangely comforting to know that other
    people have endured the assinine-ness
    of relatives freaking out over thank-you
    cards. Our story mirrors yours quite
    accurately!

  17. peter says:

    Hooray for unhappiness!

  18. Roger says:

    I like to ignore such pettiness. If grandpa doesn’t want to give junior any gifts in the future, it wouldn’t break my heart at all.

    I think grandpa and Uncle Bob need to get some chicks. They must spend too much time at home alone together…

  19. Nikki says:

    Um…you’re supposed to send out thank you cards? Uh oh.

  20. Thom says:

    Don’t worry…it’s okay if you get them out within the first 49 years of marriage. If a couple waits until the 50th, it’s customary for the family/friends to cause physical harm to the couple.

  21. Alexis says:

    I’m also comforted to know that I’m not the only one with relatives like this. I once had relatives who wouldn’t talk to me for a year because they didn’t get my christmas card – And I DID SEND ONE! I swear!

  22. Sarah says:

    I had a similar experience with graduation cards and I still don’t think I ever got them all out. Oh well. It’s just a peice of crap paper they’re going to throw away anyhow. I mean how many people do you see with shrines of thank you cards in their living rooms?

  23. Thom says:

    Um, Sarah, that would be me. I have every thank you card I ever received taped to the wall of my apartment. Granted, there is just the one from Peter and Bridgette…but it is a shrine none the less.

  24. Dustin says:

    Fortunatly my in-laws are too drunk to notice we never sent thank you card.

  25. peter says:

    Very nice, Dustin!

  26. ina says:

    I just went through my sour grapes situation about thank you notes myself, and I googled “I hate thank you notes” and found your post. LOVED it.
    My case was a baby shower thank you, which I did get out within 1.5 weeks of the event. The sin: I did not include the car seat that my husband’s family’s entire womenhood had gifted to us. How did I find out? His mother emailed me saying that my husband’s grandmother had called her and asked to make sure we knew who the car seat was from.
    Is there an easier and less political way to thank people for their generosity? I really don’t mean to be ungrateful, I mean, I am SERIOUSLY wholeheartedly thankful for their generosity… but how to let them know without it blowing up on my face at the smallest mistake??? Sigh… we’ll never know.

  27. Denise says:

    how about being thrown a party “you” didn’t ask for and then being expected to send a ton of thank you cards out to people you thanked in person at a party you didn’t even want. I like the idea of passing out thank you cards at the end of the party.

    As it is, I know people who make out “generic” thank you cards and put stamps on them before a party and throw them in the mail the very next day.

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