Old Man Visa

Is there some way that I can be put in contact with a credit card company of some sort?

I am interested in obtaining a credit card that will facilitate irresponsible spending and impulse purchases, but I cannot seem to find any information on how to acquire just such an item. Are these companies hiding from us? Is there some reason that they refuse to send out pre-approved offers for their credit? Why are they withholding their lending wares from us, the ever-interested consumer?

Given the silence of the credit card companies, I might as well be living in war-torn Sudan. I’d probably be better off if I were an African Muslim living in Khartoum, beaten and molested at gunpoint, than I am here in America where I can’t seem to find a credit card company willing to send me something. Is it too difficult to send 8oz. envelopes laden with glossy photographs and incomprehensible fine print? Would it be too much trouble to send me seven such items a day? What’s a man got to do?

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a man of simple pleasures. I like my beer cold and my tibia intact. All I’m asking for is for a credit card company to send me a pamphlet informing me of their generous offer that I can complete over the phone by calling a toll-free number. Is that really so difficult? I feel like a fricking idiot over here!

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6 Responses to Old Man Visa

  1. Sarah says:

    Maybe you are a fricking idiot.
    I’ll let you raid my mailbox. All I get are credit card offers and bills. If you take the card offers, please take the bills so you can pay them with the aforementioned credit cards.

    The circle maintains itself. Realistically, you could keep acquiring credit cards and never have to work again- except to keep track of all the cards.

  2. scott says:

    i’m trying to get loan companies to send me fake checks with my name on them to entice me to enter into large amounts of debt so i can buy things that i want but don’t need! i feel your pain peter!

  3. Peter says:

    Wow, Scott! I hadn’t even thought of that! That would be AMAZING!

  4. Thom says:

    I used a series of credit cards to purchase a house, a sports car and a mail order bride from Russia.

  5. Chris says:

    Just brainstorming here…what if instead of having to troll the Internet for hours looking for deals (“free” contests, big screen TV giveaways, subscriptions to massive amounts of online pornography) All DAY, what if… No, nevermind…I was going to say that companies ought to get there ads to pop-up on my computer screen in separate windows, preferrably blocking my view of the site I was just viewing. But, we probably don’t have the technology for something like that yet.

  6. Roger says:

    While we’re at it…does anyone know where I can find some online poker? Who does a guy have to sleep with to find some strip poker around here??

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