Birthday Improvisations

It’s my wife’s birthday today!

I’m in big trouble!

Last year for Bridgette’s birthday, I proposed marriage. As birthday gifts go, it was a grand slam struck with such authority that the opposing pitcher cried out in shame and immediately fell on his broadsword upon the pitcher’s mound. That’s how good a gift it was. It was better than a diamond-encrusted lawnmower.

What am I supposed to do this year? How could I possibly follow that up? Why have I waited until the morning of her birthday to address these issues? Should my gift be the opportunity to race me in a 100-meter dash? Should I offer to involve her in a special birthday argument? Might I give her a check for $150 out of our joint checking account? Am I totally screwed here?

Maybe I could give her something homemade. Something like a pair of pants that I could make here at school out of construction paper and staples. Would she like that? Unfortunately, I just realized that I don’t know her size. Idiot!

I think that what I’ll do is try to run out the clock, so to speak. I’ll assure Bridgette that I definitely have a gift prepared for her, and that it is most assuredly the greatest gift that she has ever received in her life. I will then attempt to continue to change the subject all evening until we finally go to sleep and I am off the hook until next year. There is virtually nothing wrong with this plan whatsoever.

She better get me something awesome for my birthday though.

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9 Responses to Birthday Improvisations

  1. Thom says:

    A gift card for “Peter Time” (And yes…I shamelessly rip off a Friends “Joke” today…I can go to bed knowing I have…uh…something). Don’t wives always appreciate that more than expensive gifts?

  2. MJ says:

    Buy her a house!

  3. Tami says:

    I gave her an air conditioner for her birthday…although until I read your blog, the date escaped me and I didn’t say Happy Birthday to her at lunch today…am I in trouble too?

  4. Kevin S. says:

    Spoken like a true Realtor, MJ.

    Here’s my idea. For dinner, have her close her eyes. She will open them to find a broccoli and cheese Hot Pocket pastry, fully cooked, with a single candle. Stare lovingly into her eyes, until she finally broaches the subject of a gift. Then you get huffy, and say “well, I wanted it to be a surprise.”

    Then give her a jigsaw puzzle and storm off to the bar.

  5. scott says:

    you could give her a card that says someone donated a gift to the human fund in her honor.

    or, just give her a kiss on the cheek, and when she asks “that’s it?” just exclaim in shock “what! i gave you a diamond ring last year! i think that counts for at least 5 birthdays.”

  6. Chara's mom says:

    Why don’t you bake her a cake or something?
    Then maybe she’d even go to prom with you.

  7. Roger says:

    How about a swift kick in the rear.

  8. Sarah says:

    That was harsh Roger.

    I think you should have gotten her the Auryn from the Neverending Story. It’s really what every girl wants.

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