My Wares

I just finished making a mix CD for my friend Adam.

It’s a tricky thing, putting a mix together, especially for a man as tastefully discerning as old Adam. I had to choose the proper 18 songs for him, not merely my favorite songs of the moment. A tasteful mix of obscure tracks from favorites like Doves, Embrace, and U2, with a few beauties from lesser-known acts like Red House Painters, Kubla Khan, and Sigur Ros.

Also, I included the song “Freedom Isn’t Free” from the Team America: World Police soundtrack, because the song speaks the truth. If you don’t like America, move out. If you refuse, I will inform Sean Hannity of your disloyalty and he will personally rape you.

It’s important to choose a catchy, concise name for the disk when giving a mix CD away. In this case, I’ve entitled Adam’s collection, “The Joe Mauer Mix”, since Adam and I recently went to a Twins game together, and because Joe Mauer is the baby Jesus of the Minnesota sports scene.

Also, I read on the internet that Joe Mauer eats the brains of the mentally ill for strength.

In addition to my careful song selection, a mix CD from me comes with that personal touch that makes a gift mean so much. Before giving the disk away, I always spray the jewel case with my scent to ward off competitors and feral raccoons. One whiff of my urinary fragrance will send those bastards hissing back to their filthy underground dwellings.

And that’s about it. Maybe someday, if you’re lucky, you’ll be on the receiving end of a mix CD from me!

Probably not, though.

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5 Responses to My Wares

  1. Adam says:

    I love your CD mixes. They always are a good mix and have few total gems on them. I think I am going to make a mix of your mixes and see what you think. It would include:

    Joe Snowboard
    This Time Around
    She’s All Up Above
    Something by Embrace, U2, and the Eels

  2. peter says:

    It should also include all those Tony Tone Toni songs I gave you.

  3. I think I just wet myself reading this. Damn incontinence.

    BTW, I have been an indirect recipient of your mix CD love, Peter. Sarah foisted some Storyhill one me recently.

  4. Roger says:

    I use bottled Peter scent to ward off Martians and Canadians. Oddly enough, it seems to attract a certain homeless element…

  5. Roger says:

    thesneeze.com is gone! Did your virile scent and superlative humor drive him back to his filthy underground dwelling?

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