A Beard Endorsement

You know who had a nice beard? Rutherford B. Hayes.

Look at it. His beard had everything. Sheen, volume, and suppleness. I don’t think any of us have ever seen a finer beard. This thing makes Zeus’s beard look like a diseased raccoon’s death-nest.

What was it about Hayes that allowed him to craft chin-whiskers of such finery? Was it his noble service on behalf of our blessed Union in the Civil War? Perhaps the electoral controversy that shrouded his tenure as president caused him to retreat inward into beard-tending? Were quality beards simply more appreciated back in the 1870s (otherwise known as the finest decade ever recorded in Christendom)?

Whatever the case, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly endorse Rutherford B. Hayes’s candidacy into the official Beard Hall of Fame. Surely he belongs in the hallowed halls where men such as Dan Haggerty, Abraham Lincoln, and That Dude From the Oak Ridge Boys currently reside. There, children of future generations (and cyborgs) could gaze in loving wonderment at the full-bodied gloriousness of our 19th president’s beautiful beard.