It’s beginning to get colder outside. This morning I could see my breath for the first time this season. Soon, all of us will be under the cruel tutelage of Old Man Winter once again.
As sure as a rat bursts if cooked in a microwave, we can sense the coming presence of Old Man Winter. He lurks behind us as we step, concealing himself behind nearby garbage bins and gluttonous women. Silently, stealthily he watches us celebrate autumn’s merriment with our cartoonish displays of ghouls and hellhounds in anticipation of All Hallow’s Eve. As we go about our way, sated and secure, Old Man Winter prepares to drop an H-bomb of frozen torment upon us all. If we look deep into our hearts, we can feel his moist, forked tongue slither across our earlobe, his infernal breath cool on our cheek. Soon his advances will become more aggressive, and he will palm our collective buttocks.
How will we respond then? Will we cut and run while winter rapes the weak?
Prepare yourselves, all of you. Do not underestimate the cunning of Old Man Winter. He will no doubt use arctic blasts and 8-story snowdrifts in Machiavellian moves to advance his platform of barren landscapes and school delays. Surely, if he were given the chance, he would bludgeon our pets to death with a cue ball in a sock. Seriously, the guy’s a big-time jerk (my friend Steve used to be roommates with him).
Be on guard. Be alert. That blue bastard is closer than you think.
Savoring the majesty of autumn will be the lube that prepares me for the forced entry of this so-called “Old Man Winter.”
Nice job on the use of the word Machiavellian.
That was arousing.
Thank you Chris. That was lovely.
You scumbag. I just wanted to drop a note and let you know what an ass you are. You deprave humanity everytime you open your mouth. Just pathetic.
Anonymous
I laughed.
Then I giggled flirtatiously with Old Man Winter as he whispered frozen nothings in my ear.