The Lingering Cold

This stupid cold just won’t go away!

Two weekends ago, it started as a sore throat. Last week, it bloomed into full-bodied pain and a lost voice. By the weekend, my voice was returning, but almost a full octave lower, causing me to sound like a Sith lord, much to my pleasure. Now, almost two weeks in, I’m still here coughing and sneezing up phlegm like a wheezing baboon.

Listening to me hack and gurgle away here in the morning, I sound like a wrinkled, craggy women buying a carton of cigarettes at a gas station with stringy, peroxide hair and tapered stonewashed jeans. Since I sound like this anyway, I may as well just give up the ghost on any upward aspirations I might have and spend my time buying scratch-off tickets and discussing WWE Smackdown with my rural peers. I could spend my day drinking Coors and complaining that the Vikings suck. To accompany the hacking drone of my lingering cough I could blast Nickleback’s latest album and rev up my Chevy Silverado.

I should also give myself meth mouth.

Hopefully this cold finally clears up and this transformation won’t be necessary. Don’t be surprised, however, if the next time you see me, I am riding a snowmobile and I knock you unconscious with a whisky bottle before urinating on you.

Because that’s what rural folks are like, you know.

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6 Responses to The Lingering Cold

  1. Thom says:

    You gotta admit, the Force related powers that showed up with the cold were preety cool (although, i think I speak for all of us when I point out that the “raising-your-hand-and-choking-us” bit is getting really old).

  2. knocked up Q says:

    2 things:

    A. In the future, try sucking ZINC losenges like mad at the
    first sign of illness…I really do think it makes a difference.

    3. I lost my voice for a couple of days and used it as a tool:
    I’d fool baby Quickert by posing as her great aunt Frieda who
    has been drinking and smoking her whole life, and who would
    warn baby Quickert not to make the same decisions as she did
    with her life…after all, going to dialysis every day would
    not have been her choice. Do you think our scheming will work?

  3. Ted says:

    I think if fisherman’s friends have taught us anything its that if you want to get over a cold suck on a congealed file of ground up fish. That will make you vomit up anything that is making you sick.

  4. peter says:

    I’m overwhelmed by the quality of these suggestions, guys.

  5. A Coon Wrangler says:

    Try some rattlesnake bites. if you wake up the next morning you’ll survive just about any a them there cold thing-a-ma-jiggers.

  6. My guts ain’t cooperatin!

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