Every morning I wrangle with this one stupid eyelash I have that won’t cooperate and get in line with all the other obedient eyelashes.

If only my eyelashes weren’t so long and lustrous!

I’m telling you, if I had dull, stunted eyelashes, I wouldn’t have to deal with this. As it is, when you have voluminous, eye-catching eyelashes like mine, then sometimes you have to pay the piper and spend a few extra moments in the morning primping them.

I know a lot of people would kill to have gravity-defying, miracle eyelashes like I do, but believe me when I tell you it isn’t all fun and games. Sure, people stare in wonderment and approach me for my autograph, offering me cash simply for the pleasure of having seen me, but sometimes it can be a real pain. Like when my eyelashes brush against the lens of my glasses and I have to clean them off. As you can imagine, that can be somewhat annoying.

Sometimes I wish I could just trade in my long, beautifully curved eyelashes for a set of dumpy, brittle ones like yours, but then I realize that such a trade would be dumb. Mine are way better than yours, it’s obvious. The only way it would be worth it is if you also gave me a Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card.
Let's make it an even trade.

So do you have one?

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9 Responses to Tradeoffs

  1. Thom says:

    I hate Cal Ripkin, Jr. So, no. But all my eyelashes are obedient, so I don’t know what you are doing wrong.

  2. Ted says:

    I do actually. Its not that one, but I have one. I don’t know where I got it.

  3. Sarah says:

    I think Cal’s eyelashes are way more voluminous and eye-catching than yours.

  4. scott says:

    i have similar eyelashes to your’s, peter, AND a cal ripken rookie card, the topps version. i won’t be trading you, esp if you have that donruss card.

  5. Ted says:

    Way to go Scott. Stick it to that donruss bastard!

  6. An Ibex says:

    As an Ibex, I prefer Fleer.

  7. Chris says:

    That’s not a disobedient eyelash, Peter, it’s your right ear.

  8. peter says:

    No, my eyelashes are just particularly pink and fleshy.

    That’s what my mom said anyway.

    Before she died.

  9. your sister says:


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