Merry Halloween, everybody!
Tonight, we celebrate the festival of the haunted and the damned! We will plunge our knives into pumpkins and adorn them with visages of howls and demonic laughter. Groups of children will wander the streets aimlessly, dressed in all manner of ghoulishness. They will sing their droning songs celebrating flesh-eating trolls and the rape of Pippi Longstocking. Wild dogs will run roughshod through our cities, devouring toddlers dressed as Spiderman without mercy.
And we will pass out Skittles.
Last Halloween was a total buzzkill, in that I had to pick up a shift at the flour mill. This year is different, however. By 4:30 pm, my chin will be dripping with swine blood and I shall have thrashed at least six children indiscriminately. My haggard barks will echo across the now-empty streets of my neighborhood, as I demand my challengers meet me in face-to-face combat. If anybody chooses to approach me, I will hit them with a lead pipe until they are still.
See you there!