Glad Tidings for All

Merry Halloween, everybody!

Tonight, we celebrate the festival of the haunted and the damned! We will plunge our knives into pumpkins and adorn them with visages of howls and demonic laughter. Groups of children will wander the streets aimlessly, dressed in all manner of ghoulishness. They will sing their droning songs celebrating flesh-eating trolls and the rape of Pippi Longstocking. Wild dogs will run roughshod through our cities, devouring toddlers dressed as Spiderman without mercy.

And we will pass out Skittles.

Last Halloween was a total buzzkill, in that I had to pick up a shift at the flour mill. This year is different, however. By 4:30 pm, my chin will be dripping with swine blood and I shall have thrashed at least six children indiscriminately. My haggard barks will echo across the now-empty streets of my neighborhood, as I demand my challengers meet me in face-to-face combat. If anybody chooses to approach me, I will hit them with a lead pipe until they are still.

See you there!

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10 Responses to Glad Tidings for All

  1. Miller says:

    This one thing I must know: did you really work at a flour mill?

  2. peter says:

    Yes, I worked at the old mill for 17 years, and I lost 4 fingers and my left ear in various machines.

  3. scott says:

    i always passed out juji fruit.

  4. Ted says:

    In a related topic Pippi Longstocking is now a camp councilor at a year round camp for girls who have had a traumatic sexual encounter. She drives a Jeep Wrangler.

  5. peter says:

    lol, very nice Ted.

  6. Thom says:

    Now that Jesus Camp has closed down, you gotta send the kids somewhere.

  7. Ted says:

    And we all know the grandparents dont want em.

  8. An Ibex says:

    As an Ibex, I confuse the crap out of people when I go trick or treating.

  9. Ted says:

    That is unless you tell people you are an Ed Wood Character.

  10. Roger says:

    You’re lucky if your groups of children sing droning songs. Ours chant out haunting dirges. I spent the entire night under my bed.

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