Great Moments in Embarrassment History

At what point in my life am I going to stop embarrassing myself?

As a child, there’s always an excuse for making an utter mockery of oneself. Puked during class? Farted in front of a girl you like? Ah, you’re just a kid, don’t worry about it. Biffed your piano recital? Pretended you had polio and that you’d been paralyzed from the waist down only to have your mother find out the truth three years later? Forget about it, you little rascal. Now get back down in the basement and don’t come back until sunup!

As an adult, however, those moments tend to stick a bit deeper into our psyche. Little things, like getting a performance review while there’s a huge rip in the crotch of your pants come to mind. Yikes. That was a meatgrinder of a morning.

Things haven’t really gotten much better since then, either. Just yesterday, while discussing the pyramids and religious rites of the Mayans, my bladder emptied itself into my pants. Fortunately, I was able to smooth over the situation by reassuring those present that I hadn’t actually pissed myself. I told them that I was stricken with a rare malady that occasionally causes about a pint of sweat to pour forth from my crotchal region. When this didn’t seem to quite satisfy their curiosity, I told them that I also have AIDS. Then they felt sorry for me.

Problem solved.

I suppose, given my volatile disposition and preponderance toward gin, I may never stop embarrassing myself. This doesn’t give me much pause. As long as I have this blog to cauterize those wounds into whimsical tales of merriment, and my trusty pretend-to-have-a-fatal-illness ploy to fall back on, I should be just fine.

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8 Responses to Great Moments in Embarrassment History

  1. Ted says:

    I attempt to rip my pants in public every day. You are like a low level super hero to me. You know, kind of like Underdog but really tall.

  2. Peter says:

    I like to consider myself as more of a henchman for an arch-nemesis.

  3. Thom says:

    But Peter does not try to rip his pants, that is what makes it so amazing.

    Personally, I await the day when Peter relates a tale about how he was soaked in gin, a cigarette dangling from his lips teaching his class while having forgetten to wear pants to school. Hilarity will no doubt ensue.

  4. Michael Richards says:

    Damn, if I would have thought to just pee on the head of those hecklers….or even just cower like a scared little child and peed my pants in front of a classroom. I miss Seinfeld.

  5. Thom says:

    It’s just a slump, Mr. Richards. You’ll bounce back with a new hit…or UHF 2. Whichever comes first.

  6. gary says:

    You’re some kind of crazy cat. I’d like to meet you. Are you gonna be at Kevin’s party on the 9th? Cause I’m gonna be there with some of my friends from the Brian McLaren support group.

  7. peter says:

    Yeah, I’ll be there.

    I’ll be super drunk.

  8. Sarah says:

    And be cowering in the corner with wet pants shouting “One if by land, two if by sea”?

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