Liveblogging the Oscars

Last night, Kevin and I got together with our wives to watch the Oscars and prepare a special joint blog post for our readers today. Enjoy!

Kevin: Peter are you ready to do this.

Peter: n’yep…

Kevin: So Chris Connelly is still alive. Let’s roll!

Peter: Jodi Foster looks too intelligent.

Kevin: Agreed.

Peter: Andie McDowell seems to have ceased acting completely for a lucrative career marketing beauty products.

Kevin: And it begins! God I’m so happy!

Kevin: Well, this opener has reached train wreck status. Hey folks, just because they’re Oscar-nominated doesn’t mean they have a personality!

Peter: Ellen looks like a 15 year old boy at his first dance.

Peter: Jack Nicholson is bald now. He looks like the Commish.

Kevin: Al Gore’s hair looks like frosting.

Peter: You could dip a chip in it.

Kevin: Wow… It’s always uncomfortable when a gospel choir shows up. This has been a Bad Idea Musical Ensembles production.

Kevin: Nicole Kidman is only wearing one shoulder pad….

Kevin: I am informed by my wife that this is actually a bow.

Peter: Well, glad they’re winning the audience over early. So far we have the art direction Oscar, Maggie Gyllenhal talking for three minutes about technical men with beards, some odd silhouette people, and Dan Lafontane introducing himself.

Kevin: Yeah, the makeup people don’t have the best seats, do they? We’ll just all wait while the winners take the elevator on down.

Peter: Are we gonna get more tumbling silhouettes? That’s all I’m asking for.

Kevin: Nice to see John Bolton honored for his great sound editing this year.

Kevin: It’s ironic to me that the editors tend to give the longest speeches.

Peter: And now a bland mid-tempo rocker from Melissa Ethridge!

Kevin: Hey Peter, you can solve the climate crisis.

Peter: Yeah, (to Bridgette) honey, turn the thermostat down.

Bridgette: It’s Minnesota. There’s 18 inches of snow outside.

Peter: What is this!? Everyone blowing smoke up Al Gore’s already substantial ass?

Kevin: Cameron Diaz came to the Oscars dressed as a paper airplane.

Kevin: Tom Hanks’ hair is looking slightly less ridiculous this year.

Peter: Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren should mate for the good of the acting world.

Kevin: Ellen just changed jumpsuits.

Kevin: The winner for costume design just said Stanley Kubrick is her master.

Peter: The way she looks, I’m not surprised.

Kevin: I love these community achievement awards.

Peter: You know, they can give the lifetime achievement to Wilford Brimley every year for all I care. “I’m Wilford Brimley! I have diabetes! Kill me! Kill me now!”

Peter: Everybody involved with Pan’s Labrynth has a scruffy beard.

Kevin: I am just so happy about all the diversity.

Kevin: Ellen is on her third pant-suit of the evening.

Kevin: The Bond girl seems to be dressed in mold.

Peter: And pulsating maggots.

Kevin: An Inconvenient Truth was made by some fellow named Davis Guggenheim.

Peter: Next year, the documentary is going to be about the thickening of Al Gore.

(note: at this point, the presence of Celine Dion has prompted the departure of Peter and Bridgette… All comments by Kevin from here on out)

But seriously, what was that? A slow song that nobody knows, that isn’t from any movie, and have Celine Dion sing it… Well, lifetime achievement award is always good for a pee break…

You know, to be honest, I’m glad Peter is gone.

Ohhhh the silhouette people again! Now I dont have to be bored. And Chris Connelly again for no reason. What are this guy’s qualifications.

When do I get to find out who died this past year?

You think the third “Dreamgirl” feels a bit like Jose Carreras right now?

Melissa Ethridge wins for best song. And the Al Gore tongue-bath continues. You know, people who are inspired by Al Gore are incapable of impressing me, as a rule.

During commercial break. Ellen ripped a piece of curtain and made a makeshift, navy-blue jasket out of it.

I miss Peter…

Suffice to say… Helen Mirren has come a long way since Caligula

Scorcese won, hooray and all that. I’m just so glad for all the diversity.

That’s all folks. I have to go invest in some jumpsuits, as they will clearly be all the rage from here on out. Thank you, Ellen, for showing us the way.

This entry was posted in Meh. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Liveblogging the Oscars

  1. Thom says:

    Uh, I thought your blog would continue your side…not just repeat Kevin’s comments. What’s up with that?

  2. Peter says:

    In case you’ve forgotten, Thom, I’m a lazy bastard.

  3. Peter says:

    The only thing I would have commented on would have been the wonderful awkwardness that was Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg’s “banter” as they prepared to give the directing award.

    It would have been better if Spielberg had just pushed Coppola and Lucas’s heads together and made them make out with each other.

    Other than that, I was pumped for Scorcese and the Departed, which I enjoyed as much as anything I saw this year.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>