Let’s take a look and see what I packed for lunch today…
Campbell’s Chunky Soup (Chicken & Dumplings)
This is an old standby for me – I bring soup for lunch a few times a week. The label reads, “Soup that eats like a meal”, but given the runny, chunk-addled consistancy of its contents, it should read, “Soup that eats like a meal already vomited up by a bum.” Such visions of dumpster barfing pass leisurely through my mind’s eye as I bring each brimming spoonful to my smiling lips.
JELL-O Sugar Free Pudding Pack
Ah, chocolate pudding. The empty feast of the damned. Normally, I’d be as likely to eat sugar free pudding as I would be to superglue my nostrils shut, but I’m trying to change. I’ve made a concerted effort to eat better over the last few months, and so now I suck down the flavorless, gelatinous blobs while I try to fleetingly remember what real chocolate pudding tastes like. This stuff also works well for caulking your bathroom.
One (1) can of Diet Dr. Pepper
The best thing I can say about this soda is that it has some crisp, snappy packaging. It’s flavor is otherwise dull, bitter and unremarkable. I would describe it as tasting like watery horseradish. It does a fine job of getting rid of the taste of sugar free pudding paste, however.
Here’s hoping today’s lunch passes quickly and painlessly, like an efficient medieval beheading presided over by a corrupt archbishop. And like the public executions of yore, I am happy that my anguish will bring pleasure to you, the unwashed, ignorant masses.
wow, i’m the first to comment today, and it’s already 10:30am. people must just be so stunned at the topic they can’t figure out what to say. well, i’ll start with this: peter, i’m proud to say that the chicken & dumplings soup is my favorite! seriously. and if you ever want to REALLY go the healthy route, Healthy Choice makes a fine chicken & dumplings as well, even though most of that line of soup is rather bland. i always end up dumping salt in it, so what’s the point? as for caulking your bathroom with chocolate pudding, i think the color would look too much like poop. not a good choice for a bathroom. i’d try the vanilla if anything. anyone care to hear what i brought today for lunch? good! here goes: a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Cheesy Nacho Twisteroni, an Oscar Mayer Lite hot dog (with Cub Foods hot dog bun), and some cottage cheese. you may say, “none of that is healthy except the cottage cheese.” to which i reply, “yes it is, because i only brought ONE hot dog instead of two.” oh yes, i also brought an apple. that will make everything all right.
All fine choices, Tom.
But as close viewers of Revelation 9:11 already know, Chef Boyardee has AIDS.
i read in the Weekly World News that Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and Betty Crocker had a fling which resulted in Little Debbie.
is it just me and you today? don’t other people like to talk about food??
speaking of Revelation: have you ever watched Jack Van Impe on sunday nights? he preaches solely on the second coming of Christ, and bible prophecy. i find him very interesting, and despite the perfectly coiffed hair, sincere.
or… have you seen Viv and Jerry’s Country Videos? it’s a local cable show that is an absolute classic.
but to get back to the Food topic: a pig goes into a restaurant and says to the waiter, “i’ll have the special… but could i substitute the porkchop with a chunk of your left buttock?”
After just polishing off a box of Triscuits, I plan to have KFC for lunch. A rare treat for me, my mouth salivates in eager anticipation for the pool of brown lard in a helping of hydrated white confetti. I look forward to the salty, soggy skin falling off my chicken and the re-enactment of Jim Carrey’s Medieval Times Silence of the Lambs scene.
I will then challenge the counterboy to a duel while random customer passersby cheer me on. Finally I will return to work towing Col. Sanders’ head from my rear bumper.
Tom…is there truth the rumor that you like to take a bathe once a month in Chicken and Dumpling Soup to keep the skin youthful? Todd and Chad have both told me it’s true.
just add cottage cheese and you’ve got a “diet plate”!! lol
a piece of italian-style chicken and some baby carrots over here…
boring yet guilt free
cute joke there Tom…and Jack Van Impe, yes!!! “the walking Bible” the way he quotes scripture blows me away!
Maybe we should have a Rock TV character who’s a “walking Bible”. He will sprinkle you with cottage cheese to absolve you of your gluttony.
thom: there is no truth to that rumor… and i don’t see why they would make something like that up when there are far weirder things that i REALLY do! BTW, todd and chad have done lots of acid in their lifetimes… but after reading sarah’s comment, i wonder if she could show them a thing or two (towing Col. Sander’s head from my rear bumper”!?! girl, you’re tripping! someone must have dropped something in your Chef Boy-Ar-Dee!!)
attn. former stalker-girl: guilt-free is ALWAYS boring, isn’t it?:)
As an ibex, I have no idea what the hell this is all about.
I was just pondering the sweet nectar of my diet Sunkist lemonade soda, and I thought to myself, “soda. That rhymes with Yoda. Weird”.
I think you have all missed the point of Peter’s blog. This was his way of telling us he will have diarrhea later tonight.
On the contrary Ted, sugar free chocolate pudding backs one up somethin’ fierce.
tom- that explains so many areas of my life at the moment!
you know, I mean, ever since I stopped stalking Peter and the guilt of that has gone, my life has just gotten so unbearably boring…
one time my sister’s dog let out a weird, low Chewbacca-like growl, and my sister said, “hey, he sounded like Yodi!” and my niece said, “oh mom, it’s not Yodi, it’s Yoda. and it’s not Yoda, it’s Chewie!” then my niece’s husband, who is a Star Wars fanatic, said, “i’m never speaking to her again.”
“what’s green and brown and sits on a log? down in the forest, ain’t Kermit the Frog, it’s Yoda……..Y-O-D-A Yoda!”