Raccoon Time!

Hey everybody, it’s raccoon time!


Look out! You’ve got to dodge the zany raccoons as they run hither and thither!

On my drive into work this morning I saw no fewer than three (3) dead raccoons strewn across the shoulders of the road, their stiffened little arms outstretched vainly toward the heavens.

ZOOM! You just barely missed hitting Stone, the Raccoon Chieftan! He dodged you just in time. Uh oh. An SUV just barrelled over him. Stone is lost!

On Friday night, Adam and I saw a raccoon get torn in twain by a pickup truck. Its lifeless body spun across the road as the truck sped onward. It sounded almost exactly like the meat flop, which was satisfying.

Soon, all the raccoons will join Stone in the sweet raccoon afterlife, and be rewarded by scores of virginal raccoon attendants. This is called the circle of life.

BAM! You got one! Nice work, friend. You might want to turn on the old windsheild wipers though, because you’ve got some raccoon splats all over it.

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7 Responses to Raccoon Time!

  1. Thom says:

    Raccoons are just not as good at dodging cars as frogs are.

  2. Kevin S. says:

    I don’t understand this post. First, you are admonishing us to dodge the raccoons. Then, you conclude by congratulating us for killing the raccoon. You also note that the dead raccoons stretch toward heaven in vain, but later promise a sweet afterlife for the raccoons.

    It is honestly hard to tell what you believe about raccoons from this piece.

  3. peter says:

    I’m like Harry Reid that way.

  4. Adam says:

    Dood I nailed that sucker!


  5. scott says:

    raccoons look like furry bandits of the night. i find them less troublesome than opossums. at least their not rising up to screech at me before i plow over them.

  6. tomhipps says:

    another story from the road: once we were out in western montana on a desert road going to the next gig. it was dawn, and suddenly (i was driving the bus) i could see all these dark shapes in the road ahead. as we got near, i saw that they were jackrabbits… hundreds of them all over the highway! there was no way on earth to avoid them, so i just had to plow right through them. dozens of sickening “thuds” later, we got past them. weird experience.

  7. goonclamper says:

    you know how every time you drive on a road and there is a flock of birds on it and you get close and you wonder if they will fly away and they always do but you morbidly kind of want them to be a little slow just once and drive through a cloud of birds bursting open on your hood and widshield because they were a little slow for once?

    that happened to me one time.

    it was glorious.

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