This morning I took our beloved Ben Franklin in to the animal hospital to be declawed. He meowed sadly the whole way there, as if he already knew that his precious talons were about to be torn asunder.
I feel kinda bad for the guy, I have to admit. He has to wait around in that little box for a couple hours until they put him under and literally pull the ends of his fingers off. It’s like I took him to Dr. Mengele’s veterinary clinic or something. I also don’t envy how he’ll feel afterwards – that post-surgery haze, where the nausea and discomfort combine to make you feel like you just leg-wrestled a ‘roided-up gorilla in a firepit. To take the analogy uncomfortably further, it was also as if the leg-wrestling match were officiated by briar-gnome, known for their dispassionate wisdom and ticklish whiskers. The briar-gnome (Clovis) officiated a fair match between you and the unethical gorilla, but in the end, ruled in favor of the gorilla to the dismay of you and your tough-as-nails coach. The gorilla then moved on to the regional semifinals, to be aired on FOX Sports Net. (Clovis the Briar-gnome, for his part, continued to eat his own excrement, a traditional custom in his culture.)
So anyway, the cat is having his fingernails surgically pulled off. Just like the real Ben Franklin did.