The Avon Gremlin

I’m writing this in a Panera, surrounded on all sides by boisterous middle aged women. I am disoriented and frightened.

But perhaps I should explain.

I seem to be caught in the crossfire of a meeting of Avon ladies. In a bit of perfect irony, the meeting is being led by a grotesque, leathery-skinned she-troll whose makeup approxomates the horrific look of Dee Snider, lead singer of of Twisted Sister.


Seriously guys, I wish I could snap a picture. This lady’s face looks like a football, and they’re all attentively listening to her describe how Avon’s new products make women look five years younger. That means that if she’s using them, she is roughly 136 years old.

By the way, if you comment within the next ten minutes, I can get you three jars of night cream for the price of two. Apparently this stuff works miracles. Skeletor told me so.

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11 Responses to The Avon Gremlin

  1. drat, i’m hopelessly addicted to jlp. i’ve checked twice already this morning for a new post… just tried it again, and here it is! yay! and i’m the first to comment! honors! unfortunately, i can’t think of anything to say regarding the post except that it’s funny.

  2. Chris says:

    When did you become friends with Milton Bradley, Peter? Have you tried standing up and yelling, “You’re all worthless and weak!”?

  3. peter says:

    No, but I should have helped all those ladies by singing the chorus of “stay away from Captain Howdy”…

  4. hey, by the way… i want you all to go out and buy my brand new game, “Professor Tickles Nude Twister”

  5. tim hopps says:

    Dee Snider. The man… The music… The Legend.

  6. Ron Gora says:

    The Beatles , Elvis , Queen , Elton John , U2 ,Yes ,Twisted Sister one of the same.

  7. scott says:

    is that a vulture leg he’s holding up?

  8. Thom says:

    Scott-nope. That’s what is left of some PMRC member after the government hearings which Dee spoke at.

  9. gary says:

    Peter, I’ve been a quiet lurker on yours and Kevin’s blogs for over a year now. This is the funniest piece you’ve ever written.

  10. tim hopps says:

    my computer at home is possessed by a demon (or a virus or worm or whatever the hell it is that does these things to an innocent little piece of machinery). so, i had gordy scheduled to come over last night and see if he could help excorsize it. so, i had this funny idea, possibly for a RockTV: gordy arrives at my house, it was a misty, dark evening… perfect! i invite him in and say, “it’s really bad. come and see for yourself.” we walk down the hall and i open the door to my 2nd bedroom, where the computer is… it’s freezing in the room, we can see our breath. my computer screen is hovering in the air, green vomit all over the front of it. “your mother sews socks that smell!” crackles from the speakers… then the monitor, in mid-air, turns around 360 degrees. me with a bible in hand and gordy with a crucifix pound our fists in the air toward it and scream, “the power of christ compels you! the power of christ compels you!” then the computer gives a blood-curdling shreik and the demon (virus, worm) comes out and enters me, and i crash through the window and fall, not to my death down a long staircase, but rather just 3 feet down to the grass below my window. i get up, and i’m ok.

  11. J says:

    I finally know where the inspiration to the old Subway commercials came from.

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