Last night, I carefully prepared a bag lunch for today, as is my custom. I packed away nutritious items from the primary food groups that were sure to delight both my heart and my tastebuds. Carefully, I stored my lunch in the fridge, lest it might spoil. Then, with a contented spirit, I layed my head down to sleep.
And this morning, like a freaking idiot, I forgot my lunch at home.
On my profanity-laden drive to work I stopped at a Super America near work. There, I filled up on gas before venturing inside to scavenge for items for my scab lunch. This was one of the more depressing endeavors I’ve endured in recent memory. Have you ever looked through a convenience store and tried to find food with actual nutritional value? It’s like trying to find a wristwatch in a tub of rotting animal compost.
So I sit here this morning, swimming in the ominous drones of Radiohead’s fine new album (which I downloaded for $5 yesterday), contemplating a convenience store lunch I will be consuming about three hours from now. What has my life become? Am I really going to eat a SuperMom’s sandwich? Aren’t those also used as packing foam from factories in Cambodia? What sort of number are those 30-cent crackers & cheese things going to do on my digestive system? I can’t tell what Thom Yorke is mumbling about at the moment, but it may well be 30-cent crackers & cheese packages (or maybe just another song about carbon monoxide poisoning). At any rate, my lunch sucks donkey.
It’s times like this I wish I were still bulimic.
There’s nothing wrong with fasting……or priory of Sion self-mutilation as penance for your forgetfulness.
Otherwise- you’re a TEACHER! Just tell your students to give you some of their lunches as part of their grade. Oh the power you could have……
Peter. You could have used this post to springboard into how amazingly disgusting those greasey hot dogs are that are on those little rollers. C-
my, the criticism of this blog is flying fast and thick these days! (yes, i admit took part in it too). but i found today’s post quite humorous, and i find those hotdogs on rollers quite tasty.
of course, the premise is totally unbelievable… he could have just gone to MacDonald’s and had a REAL meal.
In days past, I would have done just that, Tom, but I’m trying to avoid the calorie-laden gutbombs from Wendys that I find so delicious.
i understand. i’ve been working on breaking the fast food habit myself, and doing pretty well. but when i’ve just GOT to have some fast food, my new thing lately is to get 2 plain ol’ Mac’s hamburgers… they’re only 9 grams of fat apiece. and when i do have a complete meltdown and say “to hell with the diet, i’m hungry!” i hit Culver’s for a Butterburger Deluxe. nothing better on earth, my friends.
p.s. why do you keep calling me Tom? my name is tim hopps.
veto!
This is the most unmanly blog ever. Tim Hopps! Peter! Are you really comparing the nutritional value of plain hamburgers from McDonald’s? You, the voice of the turducken? Have you fallen so far in your quest for beauty? Have you forgotten your first love (thats bible people, straight up word)
Go, save your wild at heartness, eat a juicy lucy and have a fat tire for lunch…
before its too late.
PS. Peter, you are looking hot these days. In a totally married brother in christ way
I believe Peter referred to the Manly Wendy’s Burgers…full of Wild At Heart style goodness-with a real paddy of meat that one can sink their sharpened teeth into and tear to pieces, like our ancient ancestors did in the garden of Eden when they were not subjegating their women folk.
Wendys is the burger of righteousness. Unfortunately, it mainly helps build the fat muscle, so now guys like Peter and myself must avoid them.