Filthburger

As most of you know, the JLP’s influence over this great land is pervasive and unstoppable, like Manifest Destiny on meth.

In support of this preposterous and untenable claim, I offer you this photograph, taken from a Rainbow Foods flyer we got in the mail on Saturday.

insaneburger.jpg

From what I can make out, this abomination of a sandwich contains five hamburger patties, two tomato slices, three hunks of lettuce, three slices of cheese, nine or ten pickles, mayo, mustard, onions, six buns, and bacon. Dear lord, are these people actually marketing directly to me and this site’s readers? This monstrosity makes turducken look like a Weight Watchers product.

Seriously though, what the hell is that thing? Is it even food? It looks more like an ill-advised Jenga spinoff to me. Don’t get me wrong, few people in this world love hamburgers more than myself, but the sheer artery-destroying power of this sucker genuinely terrifying.

Still, I’ve got to hand it to Rainbow’s advertising folks. Either they have some sort of focus group data I’m unaware of or they just took a “what the hell” approach and went as far overboard as they could go. I mean, does this appeal to people? Of course it appeals to me, but it’s been well established that my attitudes on such matters are outside the mean. Hell, I’ll wake up at 3am just to eat some beef jerky for a while.

Kudos to you, Rainbow foods. Your preposterous advertising has momentarily endeard me to your stores. We still won’t shop at your stores though. We don’t buy groceries, just on general principle.

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5 Responses to Filthburger

  1. wimpy says:

    that monsta-burger looks so good i am actually, truly salivating. my love for burgers can only be matched by my love for peter’s blog. or for peter himself for that matter.

  2. Adam says:

    I definitely am shopping at Rainbow from now on.

  3. tim hopps says:

    one time at a small group retreat, joe touchet bbq’d burgers for the group. this was back when joe had really long hair. bill larimer took a bite of one of the burgers, chewed and swallowed, then started sort of hacking, not unlike a cat trying to cough up a furball. so he puts his fingers in his mouth and starts pulling out a hair… and it just kept coming and coming. he pulled about a ten inch piece of hair out of his throat. one of the funnier things ever.

  4. Roger says:

    I would eat that burger. Seriously, I’d pull up to the table and eat that burger…or die trying.

  5. Jamie says:

    Dude! When I reviewed the opening of Fatso’s downtown I discovered the Fatso burger.

    What is the Fatso burger you ask?

    THREE pounds of meat, EIGHT slices of bacon, TEN slices of cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, mayonnaise etc etc.

    If you eat it in under thirty minutes they give you a teeshirt that says “who you calling fatso” write your name on the wall, and then pay the 28 dollars for the burger.

    Then call you an ambulence.

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