This morning I woke up to jolting pangs of hot anguish across my back.
Getting up and going about my morning routine, I was forced to move slowly and deliberately, like an elderly baboon drunk on cough syrup. Gingerly, I prepared my morning cereal, attempting to eat it while sitting as still as possible, moving only my arm below my elbow. Such efforts proved futile, however, against the tingling torture coursing through my thoracic spine like a bullet train to purgatory.
What could have caused this darting discomfort? Was I thrashing in my sleep again? During the night had my back been unwittingly dry humped by some hairy-knuckled chiropractic he-goblin? The likely answer, of course, is that this morning’s back pain is a side-effect of my Sunday shoveling. Seriously you guys, shoveling sucks it so hard. I would rather be chased to an agonizing death by feral dogs than shovel my driveway again.
And today we’re supposed to get 3-5 inches of snow again. This is just awful. I’m this close to becoming a racist right now.
Gooooood…. Gooooooood…..
Turn your life into the Red-Green Show. Experiment a little this evening by duct-taping your shovel to the front end of your car and attempt to remove snow that way. You might need some rope and some pulleys to help jostle the contents from your strange shovel-plus-car routine. This might require a trip to Home Depot and a wad of cash for duct tape…lots of it. No further back pain. Problem solved.
dude. listen to me. BUY A SNOWBLOWER. best investment you will ever make. with mine, i got the whole job done in 15 minutes (and i live on a corner so there’s lots of sidewalk). you and my silly neighbor (name withheld) need to stop trying to be so manly. yours backs will thank you.
by the way, craig’s idea is hilarious. disregard my snowblower advice and follow his instead. i’ll have my camera ready!
I agree Mr. Hoppes. Then Peter can invest in a replacement car and a snowblower. All for our amusement.
Okay people, we’ve been over this. What Peter reads, Peter does. He’s not like you or me. Fortunately I caught him just in time. Nonetheless, that is eight rolls of duct tape that we didn’t need to waste our money on.
Bridgette’s comments have been priceless the last couple days. Too bad it isn’t really her…
So is Peter trading in his car for a snowblower or not?