Four More Years!

This week marks the glorious fourth anniversary of the John Larroquette Project!

Let the trumpets blare their victory march! Let the drunken hoards dance madly in the streets with reckless abandon! Let Rosie O’Donnell be euthanized live on CNN! It is time to celebrate four years and 800 posts worth of alienating strangeness and mild profanity!

C’mon people! Let’s get things fired up here! You there, in the back, why don’t you take off your shirt? Maybe that will get things rolling! Does anybody have a CD with “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang? Nobody? Well, no bother, I don’t think we have a CD player here anyway.

This is seriously lame. Is it too much to ask to get a strobe light rolling or something? I mean, I’ve spent four years worth of mornings writing these things, and this is the thanks I get? I might has well have spent all that time huffing rubber cement and lunging at pedestrians.

I’m not asking for much – I don’t need an opium-addled parade worthy of Charles Lindbergh or something – maybe something smaller and more intimate, like the victory march at the conclusion of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

Instead, what have I got? I’m standing here with a bunch of blank-faced jackasses staring back at me. I am left to wallow in my own remorse. I suppose this is an appropriately bitter moment of commemoration, given the years of discord and unpleasantness sown by this mighty blog. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Well right now, hindsight is informing me that hoping for gratitude out of you guys is like expecting an ape to quote Proust.

Now, as I lift this hearty goblet brimming with hemlock to my lips, I bid all of you a poignant farewell. The poison is thick and pungent, redolent of acorns and the spices of the Far East. Swallowing its last droplet, I wipe the moisture from my beard and position myself in my deathbed to accept the dark release.

In my final moments, I see that Adam has finally arrived with a CD player blasting “Celebration”.

Too late, Adam. Thanks for nothing.