C-Day Minus 7

Just one more week until Christmas is here!

That means there are only a few more days to purchase gifts thereby earning the favor of children. One last chance to polish the tree ornaments and genuflect before the nativity set. One moment to reflect before we must permanently silence the infernal bleating of the diseased Yule-Goat!

Come now and frolic with me in the newfallen snow, as pure as a young Danish boy! Together we will run to the enchanted emerald mines where we will gather precious stones to make earrings that we can sell at stands outside the Minnesota State Fair! Then, using magical frosting, we can secure ourselves inside a windowless gingerbread house to seal our suicide pact!

The memories of past Christmases are strong this time of year. Feasts of candied plums and cranberry meth. Sharing empty holiday sentiments with frostbitten, mentally ill homeless people. Opening presents ‘neath a roaring fire and a ragingly incontinent dog. Unsolicited, wheezing harmonica recitals performed at 3:15am by my drunken father. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!


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5 Responses to C-Day Minus 7

  1. Craig says:

    Santa has “been places”. Apparently, some toothy creature had an appetite for his neck one year. Now when kids sit on his lap, he transforms into a catty monster with the attitude of a pissed off Cobra snake.

  2. tim hopps says:

    i’m not fooled for a second… that’s professor tickles with a scary mask on!!

  3. ted says:

    What goes unnoticed is that Peter is Professor Tickles’ understudy.

  4. Thom says:

    Please, that is clearly a yeti.

  5. Bob says:

    This is obviously a wild penguin on a killing spree. It probibly attacked Santa.

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