Marler Apologies

I was wrong about you, Keith Marler.

My Marlerfather

Yesterday I wrote a somewhat scattered post that pointlessly ripped into Fox 9 meteorologist Keith Marler. Since then, he wrote a good-natured comment on that entry and he and I have exchanged emails this morning. Turns out, he’s a pretty nice guy with an enjoyable sense of humor. For example, just 30 minutes ago he wrote me this:

I started looking at your Rock TV stuff – I’ll have to watch a few when I get home (read: away from work). It looks like your stuff is right up my humor alley (what exactly IS a “humor alley” and why does it sound slightly innuendo-istic ?)

I apologize to you, Keith Marler. Why was I so cruel? Why did I call you “portly”? After all, you are much better described as “stout”.

Do you accept my apology, Keith Marler? Is there some way I can make this animalistic cruelty up to you? Perhaps you would like to come over to my house tonight for a sleepover? You can bring a sleeping bag, but lay on our bed with my wife and I. That way we could keep appropriate boundaries. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.

Keith Marler, why did I misjudge you? Sure you talk too fast sometimes, that’s okay. It’s probably medical or stemming from some unspoken childhood trauma. Don’t let it affect your self esteem. After all, true courage is being yourself despite what other people say. Compared with your life, John McCain’s 5 years in a Viet Cong POW camp look like a relaxing weekend at family-friendly Wisconsin Dells.

Take my hand, Keith Marler. Do you feel their clammy trembliness? I feel terrible for what I have done. Do you see my eyes water and my lip quiver? I am about to cry bitter tears of remorse!


Please, Keith Marler! Let me embrace you on-air during your Fox 9 morning broadcast! My penance must be both public and humiliating! If we cannot warmly grasp one another while the weather is being reported, I suggest you air 10 uninturrupted minutes of me using a public restroom. Then, and only then, will your reputation be redeemed.

I love you, Keith Marler.

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24 Responses to Marler Apologies

  1. Christine says:

    Wow. First John Larroquette himself, now Keith Marler? This is just too much.

  2. peter says:

    I know.

    My next goal is to contact David Niven from beyond the grave.

    Sweet, sweet Niven.

  3. Adam says:

    This really is great.

  4. tim hopps says:

    they just don’t make ‘em like David Niven anymore. and it was nice to see ol’ Hal Holbrook got an Oscar nomination… although for some reason it seems almost like giving one to the grandpa on The Waltons.

  5. tim hopps says:

    P.S. confidential to Keith Marler: you seem like a real nice guy, so i feel it fair to warn you… Peter is extremely weird, in case you haven’t noticed, and you’d do well to keep a safe distance.

  6. scott says:

    the past two days at the JLP have been simply amazing. Bravo!

  7. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Do you think we could get Keith Marler to star in a Rock TV? ;)

  8. can keith marler do my weather too? i live in colorado.

    it can be part of a hit new segment called “reporting weather of a town smaller in population than it is in miles away”

  9. Jamie says:

    also… Keith is kind of hot!

    (Do drew Carey next! Or Toby Keith! Or Axel Rose! Make them come play Peter!)

  10. Goofy says:

    Ok, I haven’t been keeping up or something. Why were you going after Keith Marlar? I remember watching the Wake up with Fox 9 show a couple of years ago. (stupid song gets stuck in my head, and no matter how long the Q-Tip is, I can’t seem to get it out of there.) If you would have asked me what he was really like, I would have said my impression is that he’s got a very dorky/Fun sense of humor, just toned down for a family morning show. I could tell that when he first started, they would cut from him back to Alex Kendal, and you could almost read the confusion in her face. I don’t think she got his humor. It would always make me smile to think that he was having fun and she didn’t get it.

    Besides I believe on one of the promo’s for the show, they show everyone riding the Light Rail, and doesn’t he give up his seat for some lady? Do you think they could fake that? I seriously doubt it my friend. I seriously doubt it.

    Keith you and MA, seem like my kind of Dorks. Glad to hear I was right about your sense of humor.

  11. jordan monson says:

    Well, I’ve now read a blog or two, and Peter, I’m elated to tell you that you were the first. hmmm.

    I hope Keith took your second post well, he sure seemed to take the first one well haha, for whatever reason. He must be the kind of man to give up his seat. I doubt that was faked. Anyway, I hope he didn’t think you were being spiteful, (if that’s the right word) but it seems like you two get each other. Take it easy Peter, I look forward to hearing more interestingly odd stories of what your blog has reeled in.

  12. peter says:

    Jordan, why were you reading my blog at 3am?

    Seriously man, get to bed.

  13. Jordan Monson says:

    Well, Peter, this is fairly sensitive, but I am a creation of the black ops human genome project of 1987. At that time, in the name of Francis Crick, the ACLU and Pat Robertson joined forces to create a man so distastefully annoying, or so Godly, so as to take over the entire job of either the 700 club or the civil liberties union.

    I was toyed and tampered with in DNA form, and actually have 25 chromosomes, as apposed to the standard 23. I was “Civil Robertson 1.2″ They thought the best way to start would be to create a human that required little or no sleep at all. I was crossed with an owl, and Lorin Stein, famous editor and literary reviewer. Thus created, a nocturnal reader. However, I was driven into hiding by newer and better t3’s like “Robertson Darwin 6.0″ before I could change the world.

  14. wow, this blog has a lot of back story

    i had no idea the characters were so developed

  15. Keithsbestfriend says:


    Oh, heh…hey there everyone, this is Kei…I mean..uhhh…Keith’s best friend Joel…uhhh…yah…no, uhhh Keiths a great guy, and very nice too! Watch him every morning for all 26 of his weather hits! =D

  16. Keith Marler says:

    Keep up the good work! I have read your essays on your blogs and they are special!

    And here’s a little weatherman joke for you, which I’m sure you’ll depriciate:
    Q: What did the storm cloud say to the rain cloud?
    A: Who farted?

    It’s loosely based on the children’s idiom: “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

    Take care!

  17. Keith says:

    hmm …I see my friend Joel commented above … I didn’t know my WiFi signal could make it into his locked trunk in my basement (it’s ok … it has air-holes in it … honest).

    I managed to find your home address & came over late Saturday night … perhaps you heard the gentle tapping at your bedroom window … or ultimately the quiet sobs as I gently wept into my Green Lantern pillow & used my Star Wars sleeping bag to hide my shame …

    … oh well … there’s always next weekend?!?

  18. Keith says:

    oh … and fyi: comment #16 isn’t me … everyone knows poop jokes are funnier than fart jokes … but it’s exciting to have my online identity stolen!!!

  19. peter says:

    uhhh… What the hell is going on here?

  20. Thom says:

    I wish all local weatherman were this good natured about people making jokes at their expense. I once made a joke about Paul Douglas at the State Fair and he paid Don Shelby to punch me in the kidneys.

  21. Christine says:

    I like the idea that Keith Marler would somehow get fired because of all this.

  22. Adam says:

    I like how he said “he who smelt it delt it.”

  23. peter says:

    Keith Marler didn’t leave that “smelt it/dealt it” comment – that was a friend of mine. Keith’s logged in as “keith”.

  24. Keith Marler (not the weatherman Keith Marler (but in fact the other Keith Marler (in textiles))) says:

    I, in fact, did leave the smelt it/dealt it line. And what’s more, I have more:

    If you are going to make fun of myself, then at least share the wealth. His name is Dallas Raines and he deserves to incur wrath.

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