My Feline Abuser

He always does this to me, you guys.


Somehow, Ben Franklin has a way of physically subduing me, forcing me to comfort and caress him despite his aloof, uncaring demeanor. I don’t know why I submit to his demands, but I do.

I always, always do.

I am invariably left feeling taken advantage of as he trots away to lick his ample groin. Afterwards I lingered on the couch, matted in cat hair and sobbing uncontrollably for 30 grief-wracked minutes.

Is there some hotline I can call if I’ve been emotionally abused by my cat, or have Tim Pawlenty’s heartless budget cuts eliminated such programs?

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15 Responses to My Feline Abuser

  1. Sarah says:

    I believe the program you are looking for has been cut, however there was increased funding for cat support group–cats who are seeking support to deal with groin ogling and grief wracked owners.

  2. Thom says:

    Why are you posting on a Wednesday? This has me confused and has thrown my world into utter chaos…I mean, what if it is realy Thursday and I LOST an entire day due to a Pez fueled black out?!

  3. Y’know, that photo is begging to be turned into a LOLcat.

  4. Ted says:

    Most disturbing photo in quite some time.

  5. Tony says:

    Ur Happy? I Happy. k thx bai.

  6. your hands look unnaturally pale and lifeless.

    did you, by any chance, recently have both your arms torn off?

    it certainly would explain franklin’s ability to do as he pleases, as well as the sadly resigned expression on your face. the expression of a man with no arms if i’ve ever seen one.

  7. tim hopps says:

    i think you’ve more than returned the abuse by letting your cat get so FAT. the thing looks like a furry Jabba the Hut.

    and what is it with your blog and the Star Wars analogies?

  8. Christine says:

    That cat would be described better as a bear.

  9. peter says:

    Patrick, the positioning of my arms mirrors the defeat of my soul.

  10. kevin s. says:

    Sprawlz on ur crochez

    Causin ur discontentmentz

  11. tim hopps says:

    big fat kat krushin’ yer danglin’s

  12. Paul Reubens says:

    “danglin’s” made me laugh, though the apostrophe is inappropriate.

  13. jeebus says:

    That’s a big ‘ol cat

  14. tim hopps says:

    paul reuben’s: funny you caught that. i too, am a member of the “inappropriate apostrophe” police. it bug’s me when people do that, and it seem’s to happen more and more often these day’s. in fact, sometime’s my buddy gordy and i write email’s to each other including a bunch of word’s with unnecessary apostrophe’s, just for fun (yeah, we’re dork’s).

    i actually first spelled it “danglins” but it just didn’t look right, so i went for “danglin’s”, feeling that peters reader’s would better grasp the meaning. and technically, i think it IS right, because the apostrophe would take the place of the “G” in the formal form of the word: “danglings”.

    so there, grammar snob!

  15. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    There. Now shut up, both of ya.

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