An Interview With Laliberte

Do you remember Mark Laliberte, the bronzed god of a man who chased down and physically subdued a St. Paul ne’er-do-well a couple weeks back, thus earning our eternal adoration and esteem?

Well, after I posted about him, my friend Ryan Pickett was able to put me in contact with the sweet Laliberte himself. As it turns out, he is running for seat 54A in the Minnesota State House of Representatives (Roseville, Lauderdale, & St. Anthony).

After a long series of belligerent emails, Mark Laliberte finally agreed to sit down with the JLP for an interview (this isn’t a joke, I actually interviewed the Mark Laliberte). Here is what he had to say…

JLP: How big a jerk was this guy you chased down, on a scale from 1-10? (1=Dr. Gregory House from the hit television series House, 10=Mussolini)

LALIBERTE: It’s difficult to say. We have no evidence that this was a Robin-Hoodish exploit – he was stealing from a small business with a relatively low profit margin and he failed to stop at Catholic Charities during the chase. So, I’d say he lacks the jerkish-benevolence of a Greg House. Yet, by law he will be charged only with misdemeanor theft – not exactly the conquest of Ethiopia. So I’d rank him a 4.6; somewhere around a Norm Green.

JLP: If you could chase down, leg sweep, and subdue any problem at the state capitol, what would it be?
LALIBERTE: Definitely state spending. Over the past 10 years State spending has increased 65%! Just two years ago we had a $2.2 billion budget surplus. Instead of providing some relief to the hardworking people of Minnesota, the fat cats in St. Paul spent the money. But even that wasn’t enough. They’ve maxed-out the State’s credit card and left you facing a $1 billion deficit! Projections suggest that we’re already $3 billion behind for 2010 – and that figure assumes $78/barrel gasoline; clearly an underestimation (we’re paying over $126 today).

Giving money to these people is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenagers. Here are just a few of the ridiculous things that your legislators proposed to spend our money on in the recent bonding bill (Remember, this is during difficult economic times, with the knowledge that we are facing a $1billion deficit):

-$4 million to expand a volleyball court in Rochester (Historically, the proportion of Minnesotans on the Olympic Volleyball team is low. Is now the time to launch our search for the next Sinjin Smith and Karch Kiraly?)
-$2 million for lights that “preserve the natural night environment” in Minneapolis (In Roseville we call this dark and it’s free)
-$400K for a brass band music lending library in Chatfield (I like John Philip Sousa, but could we spend money on any other entity that is becoming so rapidly obsolete?)

I guess the biggest and best thieves don’t hang out at coffee shops.

JLP: If you had to compare yourself to a pop cultural figure, would you liken yourself to Clint Eastwood’s “grizzled gunfighter with a past” in Unforgiven, or the silent alien menace in Predator?
LALIBERTE: While I’m no William ‘Bill’ Munny, I’ve always been partial to Eastwood. There’s a lot of America in his work. Who can’t relate to his character’s struggle with personal failure and redemption? (I’m just glad you didn’t compare me to Philo Beddoe from Every Which Way But Loose).

JLP:If you could conquer time and space, who would you prefer to chase down, leg sweep and subdue:
-Osama bin Laden?
-John Wilkes Booth as he entered Ford’s Theater?
-The disease of glaucoma before it struck down Kirby Puckett’s right eye prior to the 1996 season?

LALIBERTE: As a member of my local Lions Club, I’ve been chasing down preventable blindness for some time now. It’s unfortunate that Kirby’s ailment wasn’t caught during a more treatable stage. It might have saved his career. Internationally, a child goes blind each minute. But everyday folk like us can help: take some time to learn about the SightFirst campaign – a private $150 million dollar initiative to save and restore sight to 27 million people. There’s no need for a time machine and you can help from the very same chair you’re currently sitting in.

That being said, my final answer would be Osama. Have you seen the way he holds a microphone? I bet my grandmother punches harder.

Thanks to Mark Laliberte, and to Almighty God in Heaven, for producing such a fine specimen of a man.