30th Birthday Party Recap

Over the weekend, in a doomed effort to get our minds off all things criminal, Bridgette and I hosted a number of friends and family in a joint celebration of our 30th birthdays this summer. It was a wonderful testament to the power of friendship and watermelon slices.

Now I will tell you about this party. Read it.

Ted served as our party’s sturdy grillmaster. Manning two propane grills with the deft dexterity of a circus performer on meth, all the meat in the viscinity was filtered through him and rendered unto him. From raw slices of bloody red sloppiness to charred husks of gray loveliness, he served as the sun to our universe of birthday shame.

Here is an illustration that Christine made of him. It captures his vitality and triumph with the skill of Michelangelo and Jackson Pollock combined.

At this time I would also like to note the contribution made by our friend Allen (fiancé to Bridgette’s best friend Tami) to our evite invitation. In his late reply, he wrote:

I’m in. Shall I bring a Piñata dressed in an oversized white t-shirt and black do-rag? Maybe Three? Great Way to: 1) Get out Frustration. 2) Send A Message. 3) Potentially get arrested for a Hate Crime.

If only we had read his message in time, the party might have been an unmitigated success, rather than the sullen, bloated exercise in pointlessness and discomfort it proved to be.

As usual, the aftermath of this gathering was marked with remorse and slurred resentments. This is, of course, the way of things in North Minneapolis, where gun ownership is discussed among my neighbors with increased sincerity.

And by the way, the three kids with oversized white t-shirts and black do-rags rode past the house a few times during the party. We forgot to offer them a burger and soda to go with my iPod.

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10 Responses to 30th Birthday Party Recap

  1. tim hopps says:

    let’s pretend the party went this way: the kids rode past on their bikes and we waved them over. we fed them burgers and pop, got to know their names, and had a lengthy conversation which led to a better understanding of each others’ cultures and mindsets. then at the end of the day, one of them pulled your iPod out of his pocket and gave it back to you and said, “i’m really sorry we broke into your house. you really are cool people, and we see now that what we did was wrong. when you get the bill for the new windows, give it to us and we’ll pay you with the money we’ll earn from the summer jobs we’re going to go find.”

  2. Allen says:

    I think it would have been great if we acted out the “printer beatdown” scene from “Office Space” with the Piñatas…as the kids rode by on their (most likely) stolen bikes.

  3. kevin s. says:

    Happy birthday, you son of a bitch.

  4. kevin s. says:

    Incidentally, were the kids in do-ragz driving a green Toyota Camry?

  5. scott says:

    i think if they did drive by in your car, the party would have turned to mini riot by the group surrounding the car, pulling out the kids one by one, and beating them senseless in the street in front of a raucous crowd of onlookers.

    so basically, i think the kids drove by in a car stolen from someone else’s garage.

    also, happy birthday!

  6. Guy Incognito says:

    The kids were on bikes.
    Ted didn’t even get out his sword.

  7. Guy Incognito says:

    By the way, I think we’ve found our storyboard artist for Rock TV. :)

  8. Ted says:

    I didn’t bring the sword… I brought the dart gun but I was never given the executive order for attack.

  9. Thom says:

    Sorry I could not make it. We were busy laying the smackdown on kids in oversized white t-shirts and black do-rags trying to steal the “card box” at my sisters wedding.

  10. Roger says:

    Ted should have used the spatulas on the kids.

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