A few weeks on, here’s a rundown of where we’re standing with the problems related to the break-in of our house by reckless teens:
It appears the people who broke into our house and stole our car, having been witnessed by at least three people committing the crimes in question, will be walking away freely. I’m glad to see accountability and personal responsibility are alive and well in North Minneapolis.
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On the other end of the spectrum, I actually have to hand it to American Family insurance. They’ve really done a nice job in handling our situation. After some minor arm-wrestling with various adjustors, they are paying to replace our iPod, repair our car, and covering the cost of installing all-new windows for our sunroom. This will mean that our favorite room in the house will go from being a two-season luxury to a room that we can use year-round (with a space heater in the winter). Maybe this winter I can invite you over to our newly energy-efficient sunroom for some diet beverages and stilted conversation.
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For the first two weeks after the robbery, I woke up a few times a night after being startled by some innocuous sound or another. I would then wander our darkened house with a knife, searching for evidence of an intruder. As you can guess, this was in no way emotionally draining. Eventually, I traded my knife for a wood Louisville Slugger. I call it Bonedust, and with it, I can connect with black do-rags like the sweet-swinging Joe (Baby Jesus) Mauer.
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We finally got to pick up our car on Monday. It had a smashed windshield, a few small dents, and it was caked in powder that the police use to find fingerprints. It looked chalky and ashen, like John McCain. When I turned the ignition, the stereo suddenly began blasting hip-hop from a disk they left in our stereo. Apparently the new Coldplay disk I had sitting on the passenger seat didn’t do it for them.
The individuals wearing white t-shirts and black do-rags left our CDs and iPod paraphernalia, but took with them our Happenings coupon book as well as a Mad Libs book we use to kill time on road trips. Needless to say, these were odd selections. Do 15 year-old thieves use coupons for Greek restaurants? Do they value frugality? Why our Mad Libs book? There is virtually no chance these clowns know what an adverb is.
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On a completely unrelated note, here is a snippet of last night’s dinner conversation with my wife:
WIFE: I bought you some underwear at Target today.
ME: Do they have Taz on them?
WIFE: No.
ME: Then I don’t want them.
The bat named Bonedust is awesome. Maybe it could be part of our stilted conversation.
OK. Maybe not.
How about that weather, huh? Whew!
Never having been to your house I couldn’t provide any stilted conversations about its differences or upgrades.
One thing my family used to do in my grandma’s sunroom in the winter was shut the door to the house and see how cold it could get in there while we played cards before people started to lose feeling in their extremities.
We’ve also done this with wood burning stoves and who could bould the hootest fire in their house…. having a stove that turns completely red is not a very good thing.
Our family’s very competitive and we are in no way strange because of that…..so I tell myself.
Glad to hear things are looking up for you guys.
Peter:
You need to upgrade from Bonedust to one of two items:
1. A chainsaw you attach to your right arm after you chop the hand off, having handled the Necromonicon.
2. A boomstick. “The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”
just so you know, i have Baby Jesus on my fantasy team this year, and he’s a little overrated. sure, he is a great hitter, but seriously, could he maybe get some more ribbies?
Baby Jesus is most definitely overrated. His Baby Jesus nickname is itself a play on the fact that he is above all criticism in this market. I’m glad he’s on my team, though.
Adverb? Ain’t he in Fiddy’s posse?
Did they dust the cd for prints?
One day MY BIZZATCH woke up with a splitting M—– F—–. My BIZZATCH wondered what the F—– could be.
MY BIZZATCH tried everything, S—, PIMPS AND HUSTLAZ, and even POOTIE TANG, but nothing would make the M—– F—– go away.
MY BIZZATCH made an appointment with SOME SPOOK, who told him he had a bad case of SCHLIZZMALTLIKKA. SOME SPOOK advised MY BIZZATCH to GO F— HIMSELF, so he went to the GANGSTA’ to BLAST A CAP some FRIED CHICKEN.
After taking the FRIED CHICKEN, MY BIZZATCH felt much FUGLIER. But he HUBCAPS hurried home to go F—.
After all, MY BIZZATCH had to PIMP in two hours!
Did they think to dust the tape that was inserted into the stereo for prints? I have to think they would have handled that. Nice to know that they will be back on the streets though. Its like a warm glass of shut the H— UP! from the Minneapolis Police Department or as I like to call them the understaffed and unabitious roaving comedy troop sans the laughs. Its a long name but I got the time.
“Its like a warm glass of shut the H— UP! from the Minneapolis Police Department or as I like to call them the understaffed and unabitious roaving comedy troop sans the laughs.”
What is your first language, dude?
I get all my language tutoring from the blog entitled Kevin Was Here. And Turkish.
Is the insurance company going to pay for your vast assortment of oversized t-shirts and do-rags that got pinched?