My Cat

Hey, you ever heard of cats?

I have. I’ve got two of them, and they each crap in a box next to my damn washing machine.

One of my cats is named Ben Franklin. That sick bastard likes to sniff my jello. That ain’t no figure of speech, either. He literally does sniff my jello.

Now Ben Franklin’s got a new idea. At 5:15 in the morning, he enters our bedroom and begins yowling for no reason whatsoever. Trust me, this is exactly as amusing as it sounds.

We try to ignore him so he doesn’t think he runs the house, but let’s face it, cats are arrogant pricks. They think they’re superior to the good Lord himself. (They’re in for a rude awakening when judgement day comes and they find themselves suffering for all eternity in the searing flames of cat hell.)

So there we are, trying to sleep through the piercing cries of our cat in the early morning hours, but he keeps pushing it. He jumps up onto the bed, and reaches over to my wife’s nightstand and starts batting at the lamp, trying to knock it over. Now something must be done, so she smacks him. Unfazed, he bats at the lamp again.

The best part of the story? He’s doing it for no particular reason. When we do wake up, he casually lopes out of the room and retires to his corner of the house to go to sleep for the next 13 hours. Ben Franklin is an ungrateful pig of a cat.

So anyway, long story short, we’ve got a free cat if anybody wants one.

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15 Responses to My Cat

  1. Guy Incognito says:

    Ooh, we have a free cat too!
    Ours is named Libby, and she intermittently forgets that she is supposed to crap in the box, and instead thinks that right outside of it is the appropriate place.
    Also, she has recently taken a liking to yanking out her own fur and eating it, then coughing it up in hair-ball form on the carpet.
    Free! We’ll throw in a parakeet too!

  2. tim hopps says:

    hey, Libby’s just a forward-thinking cat… she craps OUTSIDE the box.

  3. tim hopps says:

    the first line of today’s blog is exactly what i love about the JLP. only Peter would think to ask someone if they’ve ever heard of cats. A+

  4. Kevin s. says:

    My wife wakes me up at 5 every morning. I’m thinking of having her put down.

  5. tim hopps says:

    Kevin… ironically, it was the opposite the other night… I had to tell you to go TO bed at 5am. you party animal you.

    like when i was on the road… i never asked for a wake-up call in a motel. instead, i requested a 5am “go to bed” call.

  6. Roger says:

    Who is this ‘Guy Incognito’, anyway?

    That life changing question aside, I don’t think your wife is smacking the cat hard enough.

  7. Guy Incognito says:

    Who is Roger?

  8. Guy Incognito says:

    Wait, Roger, are you asking because you want my cat?

  9. Jen says:

    this is way funnier than icanhascheezburger.com

  10. i always thought Guy Incognito was Luker. then i thought it was kevin, but now i don’t. then i figured it was jon emerick, but then i remembered their KID is named Libby, not their cat. man, this Guy Incognito is a much of a mystery as why people own animals that poop in their homes. but hey, WE poop in our homes too, so why not? can you tell i’m bored at work and have nothing better to do that reply to an old post that no one’s reading anymore anyway? my life sucks.

  11. and i just realized i was censored again.

  12. Roger says:

    Right, but at least my poop is confined to the toilet.

  13. Guy Incognito says:

    I don’t want to own an animal that poops in my home. That’s the point!
    I’m trying to get rid of her.

  14. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Seriously, Guy Incognito, who are you???

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