Graeters & You

While attending the recent wedding of local ne’er-do-wells Tami & Allen, I was introduced to a product so glorious, so sacrosanct, it was an affront to Barack Obama himself.

Graeters Ice Cream.

Churned from the breastmilk of angels (so as to not be defiled by the curdled toxins of free will), Graeters Ice Cream is Ohio’s greatest gift to our blessed Union since the venerable Rutherford B. Hayes. Creamy, supple, and sentient, this is ice cream’s version of the Declaration of Independence.

While at the Groom’s Dinner, I tried many of the finer Graeters flavors that were made available to us by the beneficent hand of Allen – pumpkin pie, coconut chip, and Buckeye Blitz (chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough and chocolate chips). They were so good that diarrhea exploded uncontrollably out of my reddened anus, metaphorically speaking.

Graeters Ice Cream: the culmination of all human yearning and endeavor throughout the ages.

Really though, you should try some if you want. It’s no big deal to me.

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Raves. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Graeters & You

  1. Adam says:

    Nice! I always like to see Rutherford B. Hays referenced.

  2. scott says:

    surprising the Buckeye Blitz was good all the way through. i would have thought it would have tasted wonderful at the beginning, then like failure right at the end. :)

  3. Guy Incognito says:

    They should have you create an ad campaign for them.
    Also, was “creamy, supple, and sentient” a description of Graeters Ice Cream, or Rutherford B. Hayes? I was unsure.

  4. peter says:



    There’s your answer.

  5. Guy Incognito says:

    Ahh… both.

  6. Roger says:

    No peanut butter cup flavor. It might be a local favorite, but I predict a national rejection.

    But enough about Hayes…

  7. Allen Shaver says:

    I heard that Rutherford B. Hayes bribed the electoral college with a Graeter’s Ice Cream Party if they would elect him President even though he lost the popular vote by nearly 264,000 Votes. Seems George W. may have pulled the same move out of the Republican playbook many years later.

  8. peter says:

    Scalia loves Graeters.

  9. Mike says:

    Peter, you’re hilarious. I LOVE Graeter’s. ’nuff said.

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