While attending the recent wedding of local ne’er-do-wells Tami & Allen, I was introduced to a product so glorious, so sacrosanct, it was an affront to Barack Obama himself.
Graeters Ice Cream.
Churned from the breastmilk of angels (so as to not be defiled by the curdled toxins of free will), Graeters Ice Cream is Ohio’s greatest gift to our blessed Union since the venerable Rutherford B. Hayes. Creamy, supple, and sentient, this is ice cream’s version of the Declaration of Independence.
While at the Groom’s Dinner, I tried many of the finer Graeters flavors that were made available to us by the beneficent hand of Allen – pumpkin pie, coconut chip, and Buckeye Blitz (chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough and chocolate chips). They were so good that diarrhea exploded uncontrollably out of my reddened anus, metaphorically speaking.
Graeters Ice Cream: the culmination of all human yearning and endeavor throughout the ages.
Really though, you should try some if you want. It’s no big deal to me.