Hey gang, it’s me, Michael Landon.
That’s right, I’m communicating with you via Peter’s blog despite the fact that I died of cancer back in ’91. Those were heady days, before the twist ending of The Sixth Sense, before Michael Richards’ racist meltdown, back when the world made sense.
I’ve been watching all of you since I left, and I have a few words:
Firstly, they aren’t kidding about how a 2-pack-a-day cigarrette habit is bad for your health. I kicked the bucket at age 54 from lung cancer, in a development that absolutely nobody could see coming.
Second, who’s programming your television network these days? In 30 years we’ve gone from the saccharine, Emmy-baiting episodes of Little House where I would hug my daughters tightly as tears welled up in my eyes to Wipeout, a reality show where people have to jump across huge rubber balls to avoid falling into a mud pit? Is that correct? If I were still alive, I’d sit some of those programming execs down and say, “Listen jerko, I’m Michael Landon. I starred in Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, and Highway to Heaven. I think I know a thing or two about television. Now, here’s your next hit show – it’s a one-hour drama about a crusty-but-benign ex-Supreme Court justice who lives with his divorced daughter. Together, they solve crimes and heal their fractured relationship. Toward the end of the first season, the daughter will go blind, and the actor playing the ex-Supreme Court justice (yours truly) wins another Emmy by thrashing wildly and chewing the scenery like nobody’s business. Then in season three, she’ll get her vision back for some vague reason. Also, the show will also co-star Extreme Home Makeover‘s Ty Pennington as an angel-in-training with ADD that only my character can see.”
And finally, who is responsible for this?
I can’t make heads or tails of it. Is that supposed to be me? Does this symbolize something? Why would there be a squid in a river? Can there be any possible explaination for this? Looking at it makes me glad I’m dead.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!