It’s the last day of school in 2008! Suck on it!
Up next? Two straight weeks of craven gluttony, godless consumption, and shiftless sloth. Pants will be unbuttoned to facilitate more ample feedings, and pies will be gobbled up like a diseased reindeer being torn asunder by wolves. As the unvarying days bleed into one another, I will grow irritable and coarse, shouting to my wife to begin bathing my body with an old rag soaked in bleach. I can see it all as clearly as I see the ragged, bloody hangnails on my fingers before me.
Do I enjoy the fact that by January 4th, my self-loathing will be exceeded only by that of my wife’s bitter resentment toward me? I can’t say that I do. However, even if I had the power to change the course of Winter Break’s events, I would not do so. For to avoid calamity is to run like a feeble Swiss coward into the pale, doughy arms of St. Nick. He will at first seem pleasant and caring, but will soon reveal himself to be an aloof, self-gratifying man who watches too much Adult Swim and spends all his time arguing on internet discussion forums.
And so there you have it. Today begins my steady, terrifying descent into madness. I think I’m going to go out and buy some chips so I can eat them next week, once I’m a total douchebag.