Listen up, friend. Just for you, I’ve got a clean, late-model cocker spaniel ready to move out for just $1,000.
Look, I know times are tough. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that this cocker spaniel probably hasn’t been beaten with a belt to the point of near blindness. It’s probably been through hell. But I’ll tell it to you like it is – this is as good a cocker spaniel as you’re going to find in this hellhole of a neighborhood, and I’m willing to unload it today for only nine bills – $900, plus tax, title, and groper’s fee.
Still not convinced? Well, how about this? How about I personally let you in back to take a look at the dog? C’mon, let’s take a peek, shall we?
Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep the lights turned off. She don’t like the bright lights too much. If you turn ‘em on without warning her, she’ll piss all over the silk carpeting I had custom manufactured and installed in my garage for some reason.
So you’re totally uninterested in the cocker spaniel, huh? Anything I can do to sweeten the deal for you? Throw in a dead black lab? $15 in store credit redeemable once I open a proper store? This old VCR with a busted rewind button? No? Nothing?
Well, it appears we’re at a crossroads then. How’s about I slap you on the back a couple times and you can go about your business? I don’t want to hold up an important, spaniel-seeking man like yourself. After all, someone might throw a brick at the back of your head when you aren’t looking.
No, that wasn’t a threat, it was just an observation. The same thing might happen to me, for all I know. But seriously, it’s more likely to happen to you in about 30 seconds. Again, observation.
If you’re still in the market next weekend, swing by. A guy I know is dropping off a dumpster full of sheepdog parts I’d be willing to sell you.