February 1st, 2009

And so it begins again.

February – still the month of the damned.

Across the world, as darkness enshouds us, the ravenous, mouth-breathing hell-beasts howl as they prepare to feed upon the innocent for the duration of these next 28 gruesome days. Listen to their call! They shriek for our blood, and will be sated only when our soft, virgin necks have been shredded like common paystubs.

All through the year, I hoped against hope that this February would be different. Perhaps this February would be free from the gleefully Satanic ululating from their black, intestine-spattered lips. Might our feeble overtures of peace to the Dark King himself somehow convince the Shadow Army of the Goat-Beasts to spare humanity?

I received my answered this morning when I looked out the window to see the liquified carcass of my neighbor’s dog burst forth across my snowy yard from the engorged anus of a 10-foot tall troll centurion.

Now I’m going to have to wait until spring to clean that up.

All we can do now is to find nestle down fearfully in our basements and wait patiently for the anarchic succubi horde to tire themselves and melt alive in the heat of the March sun. Those among us too weak to survive the month must be thrown out as an unholy offering to the demonswarm, along with any raw meat and cats we might have. It is too late for many of us. Soon we pass into the netherworld.

Where’s your economic stimulus now, Barack Obama?