Hey gang, I’m back. The older, depressed Alan Thicke.
I’ll admit that the last time I spoke to you wasn’t my shining hour. I’ll come right out and say it – I was on a pretty crazy speedball binge at the time. You know how that goes.
Don’t worry about me though, I’m doing great now. Things are on the up and up for Slick Thicke! Say, did I ever tell you that I wrote the theme songs for Diff’rent Strokes and The Facts of Life? Well, I did! I wrote those songs so good, and nobody ever gives me credit! They just think I’m some goofball sitcom actor who ‘roided up in the 90s and spent the early part of this decade laying low in a trailer park in Glendale, Arizona.
Well, there’s a lot more to ol’ Alan Thicke than just that!
Speaking of having written the theme song for Diff’rent Strokes, do you have any idea why they spelled it “diff’rent”? I’ve never gotten a satisfactory answer on that. I guess it probably had something to do with the fact that Mr. Drummond was a crotchety old blueblood!
Come to think of it, I’m probably older than Mr. Drummond by now…
Anyway, my point is that Regal Palms Resort in Orlando, Florida is a great place to spend your Spring Break. I’m proud to be their spokesman, and I’m not ashamed to get drunk out of my mind with their hotel bar’s strawberry daquiris every couple weeks for free.
Thanks to my contract with the Regal Palms Resort, I don’t have to wander back alleys at night doing unspeakable things in exchange for sweaty cash wads anymore. I’m respectable again! Just like in that episode of Growing Pains when I took my son Mike to a Bruce Springsteen concert.
God, I wish I were still on television. Do you have my old agent’s new phone number?