At last, it has been accomplished.
Let me grasp and ruggedly embrace each and every one of you by turn, for this is post number 1,000 on the John Larroquette Project.
The tears are flowing freely now as the magnitude of this moment finally descends upon me. It’s good to let it out! Yes, let the tears flow from my bulbous ducts like black magma from the anus of a diseased she-dragon!
Stop the polite applause! I’m not worthy of such begrudging praise! I am but a lowly mortal like yourselves, only I know more obscure historical data that I’m certain will one day come in handy!
Silence your shiftless murmurings! I will now delight over all of you through the majesty of song!
“And I……………… will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu–”
Okay, so that backfired on me. Just hang with me here! This appears to be quickly going downhill.
How about this, instead of some sort of formal ceremony that I’m sure you’ve planned where I am feted with gifts and lauded for my filthy musings, how’s about we reminisce over some favorite posts from the last 5+ years?
Remember when I reviewed Milk Duds? I was providing a thoughtful public service, as always.
Professor Tickles – Remember that one? I crossed a few lines there…
Hyper-patriotism has long been a beloved, wholly unironic tradition here at the JLP.
How about this nugget? Gentle teasing of the mentally infirm is par for the course around here!
And finally, speaking of literacy, I have written often about my love of books. Among the books I’ve reviewed for you are biographies of Hitler, Marx (Groucho), and Cosby. Incidentally, these book reviews are among my most commonly read posts, as people come across them while researching these figures. One of my greatest wishes is that some 9th grader has turned in a report claiming that Ben Franklin invented running.
Now, leave me. Let me commit seppuku in peace.