Give me a backrub!
Seriously you guys, my back hurts. On the left side, just underneath my shoulder blade. Get over here and rub it.
Don’t just stand there like a gang of mouth-breathing troglodytes! Roll up your sleeves, dip your fingers and forearms in vaseline, and start rubbling my shirtless, recently shorn back!
Why is the crowd surrounding me dissipating? Is there some part of my instruction that you have failed to understand? Let me be perfectly explicit: take your calloused, thick-knuckled fingers and press them firmly into the muscle structure of my upper back in accordance with my bidding. Probe the soft tissue and await further direction from me. Do not be alarmed by the loud groans of pleasure that result from the ensuing painful, yet ecstatic release.
Well, now everybody’s gone. Looks like I’m going to have to go kill more stray dogs just to feel vivid again…