My One, Simple Wish

You know that thing that happens when people get really overweight – that thing where they breathe through their mouth all the time and they get that “fat voice”? By “fat voice”, I mean that even if you were talking to them on the phone, you would still know that they were majorly fat and awful?

I think that’s awesome.

Is there a way I can get the mouth-breathing fat voice without gaining all the weight? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m afraid of becoming a gelatinous fleshmound, it’s just that I don’t want to wait. I’m pretty impatient. I would seriously rather pop a mouse’s skull between my thumb and index finger than wait in line at a bank or something.

But anyway, back to my point – how to get a disgusting fat guy voice by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. I can already picture it – nuzzling into my wife’s ear at first light, gurgling through my mouth like an engorged swine. It’d be like Titanic, but without all the drownings or rich people.

If nobody gets me a grotesque, mouth-breathing fat guy voice by the end of the week, I’m moving to Canada.

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4 Responses to My One, Simple Wish

  1. did you ever watch all the lord of the ring extra features? cause that guy made a special juice mixture to get his gollum voice.

    there’s probably a fat guy voice juice too. and i’ll bet it’s mostly egg nog and butter

  2. tim hopps says:

    stuff your nose full of peanut butter and your cheeks full of cottage cheese. i bet you’ll fool everyone, even Bridgette.

  3. ted says:

    Peter, you need to to replace your regular diet with dessert breads smothered in frosting and covered with gristle. You will get there faster than you think.

  4. Allen says:

    Do fat cats meow differently? What is Ben Franklin’s tone like? Could you teach him to say the words you want to say in a fat manner?

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