Look at this. It’s a 1996 Jeep Grand Cherokee. The finest vehicle in Christendom.
Why am I showing you this? Well, because yesterday, I had to push one of these sons of bitches the length of a city block by myself. The reason involves a long and mostly pointless account of dead batteries and car repair, but rest assured that the story ends with my brother behind the wheel and me pushing this 1.5 ton monstrosity down our alley and making startling new noises I’ve never made before.
14 hours later, my body still don’t feel right. My gait is shallow and uneven, like if Charlie Chaplin had shattered his femur. My back feels like it’s been tickled by the Goats of Torment. I pretty much hate you right now.
Anyway, long story short, we’ve got a Jeep Grand Cherokee with a shot battery for sale. If you want it, come over and push it yourself, you lazy bastard.
In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m chewing gum right now. I think it used to be watermelon-flavored, but it don’t taste like watermelon no more. Now it’s all bitter, like making out with a propane hose.
I don’t know what happened, a few minutes ago, I was chomping on some sweet watermelon gum. Life was great, and my shame was momentarily gone. Suddenly the fountain of succulent watermelon essences ran dry, and my gum became a acrid, chalky reminder of America’s 19th century Indian atrocities.
Seriously, this gum tastes like the tears of an elderly Choctaw warrior.
Well, there’s nothing I can do about it anymore. I’ll just keep on chewing this awful gum for a while. Maybe it’ll eventually come back around to tasting like watermelon if I chew it hard enough. I figure it’d be worthwhile for me to stop what I’m otherwise doing for the next couple hours and just focus on my chewing. It’ll be sort of a meditative, zen-like exercise, in that it is both long and pointless.
What’s that you say? This isn’t gum I’m chewing? It’s actually a folded-up piece of red construction paper? Well, I suppose that explains its lack of bounce and resiliency I had begun to note.
Well now I just feel foolish. I’d be much obliged if you’d refrain from telling others about my blog until this one is safely hidden in the archives. I’d like to avoid any unecessary embarassment, if at all possible.
Hot off our atrophied editing computer, here is a new Rock TV, squeezed fresh for you!
In the writing stage, we saw this as a chance to have some fun with stuff going on in the culture of the Rock, and riff on the horrible feeling you get when you realized that you’re stuck at a crappy party. I think the general idea is solid, and a lot of the bits make me laugh, but in all honestly, this will never be one of my favorite Rock TVs. Frankly, I’m happy to already be on to our next video.
Why isn’t this one of my favorites? This was a long and troubled shoot. That manifests itself in the general aesthetic ugliness of the video and the fact that this party appears to be attended by 6 people during the daytime hours. I’m in this video a fair amount, and I feel like I was boisterously overacting to compensate for the other issues we were having – at some points it works, but at other points my character seems disconnected from reality. For technical and writing reasons, this one seems to confuse people – it’s sometimes difficult to follow (this wasn’t helped when it played at the Rock and the sound was atrocious). The editors went to great lengths to tighten up the video to the brisk (too brisk?) pace it ended up at.
Having said all that, there is stuff in here that I like a lot. When Christine opens the door on Jim nursing the cat, the look on his face is priceless. It’s like he’s assessing his life at that moment and doesn’t like what he sees.
I always enjoy watching Jordan cruelly disregard Kia’s heartfelt prayer request and then shove Kevin out of the way. The dark, sordid moment midway through the video between two characters from Rock TVs past was a goofy one, and I’m glad it ended up in the video. We also had a lot of fun shooting the ending by the back gate, we did an alternate version where the party-goers became zombies, which was both funnier and even more confusing than it sounds.
Anyway, enough post mortem. Enjoy the video, or don’t. Either way, it’s done, and the ministry is on to the next one, coming your way in late May/early June.
Welcome back, Jeffrey and others! Today, the JLP salutes goiters!
Goiters, otherwise known as a massive, disgusting enlargement of the thyroid gland, have long been a source of horror and amusement to all non-goiter sufferers. Thick and lumpy, goiters make it look as though the afflicted got drunk and decided to swallow a softball or two. In fact, this is not what causes goiter. According to the Mayo Clinic, goiter is most often caused by an iodine deficiency or Grave’s Disease. I will simply disregard this information and continue to believe my softball-swallowing theory.
In the 1890s, goiters were often lanced and re-sold as squeezable stress balls. That is an indisputable fact.
Check out this gentleman:
Man, that guy’s got beoucoups goiters! I bet he’s playing a song he wrote called “Neckties Don’t Fit Me No More”. I note with some suprise the fact that he is married. His wife must be a special gal if she’s able to look past his appearance. Compared to this softball-swallowing bastard, George Lucas’s neck actually looks human. You know how it goes though – guys who play guitar get all the chicks.
Stay tuned tomorrow for another installment of the JLP’s Humorous Disease Week!
Hey, I know it’s late April. I know the weather’s looking up. I know that fur coats have fallen out of fashion somewhat. Frankly, I don’t care.
I think fur coats look awesome. A thick, luscious fur coat would make me so cool. I’d be like Fonzie, only not the Fonzie you know and love – I’d be like Fonzie as played by Johnny Depp in the upcoming Fonzie biopic entitled Fonzie: America’s Shame, to be directed by Todd Solondz.
One of the great things about fur coats is how special it feels against your skin. You ever worn a full-length fur coat without anything on underneath? It feels like a wedding night with the angels.
You ever seen a man walking down the street in a full-length fur coat? Looks great, right? If I got a fur coat, I’d look like North Minneapolis’s version of King Louis XIV. People would nod their heads to me and I would look them in directly in the eye and lick my lips aggressively. They would then continue on in startled silence. My fur coat would look sweet.
In summation, I’m in the market for a good fur coat bargain, and Johnny Depp has the inside track for the Best Actor Oscar in 2010.
You guys know what day it is? It’s April 20th. 4/20.
Now I, being a loyal and patriotic American (bald eagle underwear) desire to celebrate our nation’s holidays just as vociferously as the next man. However, since I am a gainly employed educator wishing to, you know, actually contribute to American society, I am sadly unable to sleep in to 10:30am, then eat cold pizza and smoke weed while watching The View.
In lieu of that fact, I am looking to for alternative ways to celebrate 4/20. I spent my entire weekend brainstorming ideas and neglecting my cats. Here’s my list of ways to celebrate 4/20 that don’t involve getting stoned:
-Being 15% more racist than usual.
-Go to the Science Museum and find one of those static electricity balls that makes your hair stand up. Then hang aound and talk to the people using it about weed.
-Call in a bomb threat to a hospital. Then when the cops show up, come running out and yell, “Just kidding! Happy 4/20!” Then, as everybody is laughing, pull a handgun out of your jacket just to see what happens.
-Grab a seat on the recliner, fire up the fireplace, and enjoy one of the many fine novels of Jodi Picoult. Then hang yourself.
-Go to one of those silent retreat centers in the wilderness where you aren’t allowed to speak. Spend three days there in solemn stillness, reflecting on the earth’s beauty and your own fleeting mortality. Then, concoct a crazy scheme with the nerds and hijack the retreat center’s PA system. Blast some Steppenwolf and scream, “WEED RULES! GO BAYSIDE!” The retreat director will be shocked and spit organic coffee all over her morning flaxseed. Then high-five the other nerds (in silence).
Categories: