The Splendid Day

Psssst!

You guys know what day it is? It’s April 20th. 4/20.

Now I, being a loyal and patriotic American (bald eagle underwear) desire to celebrate our nation’s holidays just as vociferously as the next man. However, since I am a gainly employed educator wishing to, you know, actually contribute to American society, I am sadly unable to sleep in to 10:30am, then eat cold pizza and smoke weed while watching The View.

In lieu of that fact, I am looking to for alternative ways to celebrate 4/20. I spent my entire weekend brainstorming ideas and neglecting my cats. Here’s my list of ways to celebrate 4/20 that don’t involve getting stoned:

-Being 15% more racist than usual.

-Go to the Science Museum and find one of those static electricity balls that makes your hair stand up. Then hang aound and talk to the people using it about weed.

-Call in a bomb threat to a hospital. Then when the cops show up, come running out and yell, “Just kidding! Happy 4/20!” Then, as everybody is laughing, pull a handgun out of your jacket just to see what happens.

-Grab a seat on the recliner, fire up the fireplace, and enjoy one of the many fine novels of Jodi Picoult. Then hang yourself.

-Go to one of those silent retreat centers in the wilderness where you aren’t allowed to speak. Spend three days there in solemn stillness, reflecting on the earth’s beauty and your own fleeting mortality. Then, concoct a crazy scheme with the nerds and hijack the retreat center’s PA system. Blast some Steppenwolf and scream, “WEED RULES! GO BAYSIDE!” The retreat director will be shocked and spit organic coffee all over her morning flaxseed. Then high-five the other nerds (in silence).

Any other suggestions?

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4 Responses to The Splendid Day

  1. M says:

    It’s Hitler’s Birthday

  2. tim hopps says:

    You sure talk alot about weed in this post. Something you want to share with us? Like your WEED? haha

  3. Thom says:

    “-Call in a bomb threat to a hospital. Then when the cops show up, come running out and yell, “Just kidding! Happy 4/20!” Then, as everybody is laughing, pull a handgun out of your jacket just to see what happens.”

    I do not actually recommend this. It always goes awry when you pull out the gun.

  4. Thom says:

    Always.

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