This Sunday marked the end of the Rock’s small group season, and our group celebrated with a ceremonial BBQ. The thick, hearty beast flesh caused our foam plates to sag and strain, and the twirly pasta salad tickled my throat as it squirmed its way down my gullet (I don’t chew pasta salad on principle). While hastily engorging myself, I observed the following exchange between my wife and little Gioia Pickett, a local toddler of some repute. Gioia arrived at the proceedings with a delightful little baby doll in tow, but appeared hesitant to comment beyond that…
BRIDGETTE: Gioia, is that your baby?
GIOIA: (nods head)
BRIDGETTE: What’s your baby’s name?
GIOIA: (pause) Nothing.
I suppose this could be interpreted as meaning that Gioia’s doll has no name at all, but I prefer the understanding that her baby’s proper name is Nothing. Her father Ryan suggested that maybe the baby’s name is The Nothing, after the villainous destroyer of worlds and imaginations from The Neverending Story. Both versions are equally troubling, and thus equally hilarious names for a baby.
Later, Bridgette rejected Nothing (and The Nothing, and Nothyng) as names for our baby. She didn’t seem to appreciate the dark, existentialist riddle that these names would forever haunt our child with.
Then I stayed up until 4am thinking about Luck Dragons again.
there’s hope for kids with Nothing as a first name. they can become royalty as described in the 1996 Metallica song “King Nothing”.
Metallica heralded the arrival of my offspring!
I was conceived under the grandstand at a Metallica concert. OK, you got me… it was an Elvis concert.
What about Thee Nothynge? Bridgette might go for that one…. “Thee” would give your kid a name that would blend in with Hmong children with names like Bee, Si, Xie, and would therefore make your kid seem more eligible for minority benefits- (think college breaks here).
And he could EAT luck dragons