On Sunday, while shooting one of the more twisted Rock TVs we’ve ever put together (coming this Halloween), our friends Ted and Gina presented Bridgette and I with a gift for our son (coming this World Egg Day).
It was, I dare say, the best gift ever given since 824 AD, when King Louis the Pious of France received a porcelain jar filled with silk-shrouded monkey testicles from the Muslim caliph at Baghdad.
Gina had hand-knitted a Pastortron 9000 doll.
Crafted with precision, fashioned with care, and wrapped in pastel tissue paper, this doll made my bowels rumble with glee. I turned the doll over in my hands and marveled at its detail and accuracy. I refused to relinquish it for several hours, though Bridgette did forbid me from taking it into the bathroom with me.
Eventually, I went and laid Pastortron 9000 into my son’s crib with care, along with his soon-to-be friends, Pickles the Dog and Racism the Owl.
There, Pastortron 9000 will wait patiently for our little boy. Once he arrives, he will hush him softly to sleep and wipe away the child’s tears with his clumsy, useless claws. While the baby sleeps, Pastortron will struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of rejection.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pastortron 9000 – godfather to our son.