JLP Parenting Guide

Bridgette and I spent our Saturday at the hospital attending an all-day birthing seminar. It was pretty good stuff; we got lots of helpful information, watched some eyebrow-raising videos, and breathed in strange new ways. On the way out, I grabbed a pamphlet filled with information on parenting complete with helpful illustrations.

Since I believe in the free exchange of inaccurate information, I will now use the forum of my blog to impart my newfound wisdom to you, the gape-mouthed masses.

PARENTING AND YOU
A Journey Into The Infinite

Birthing 1
Senior Prom is undoubtedly an exciting time in a young person’s life. If one isn’t careful, however, the prom experience might end with the greatest awkwardness of all – the birth of a human child. Take preventative steps by limiting yourself to one slow dance.

birthing 2
The 5-minute wait for the results from your pregnancy test can be a real drag. Try passing the time with a handheld Yahtzee game or by pinpointing the precise moment your life went awry.

birthing 3
Pregnant? Congratulations, you have preserved a trace of your genetic seed! As a man, the next 9 months will represent a challenging balancing act for you. Your partner will be suffering tremendously as your squirmy little offspring gestates inside her. Your role is to encourage her, support her, and tell her that she must immediately continue respackling the nursery ceiling if it’s going to get finished in time for the baby.

birthing 4
The birth of a child is a mostly unremarkable event of which little is known. However, once you and your partner have been discharged from the hospital, it is traditional for the new mother to give a horsey back ride to a sister or close female friend.

birthing 5
Ready or not, you’re a new parent! Understandably, there will be a period of adjustment as you and your partner figure out how to fill your taxing new roles. As such, be ready to be patient with your wife if you return home from work to find your pot roast not yet fully prepared.

birthing 6
*blink* It’s over! Your children are raised and have moved out of your house! Now all that remains is for you and your partner to hobble through the remainder of your days paying for their college education until your life functions are terminated by the state. Who says empty nesters can’t have fun?

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4 Responses to JLP Parenting Guide

  1. Jessica says:

    Todd had very similar interpretations of our birthing pamphlet, he also gave each position a humorous name. He had a good time joking about them while I was writhing in pain. :)

  2. Peter says:

    Well at least one of you was having fun with it.

  3. Thom says:

    So, they don’t have the new pamphlets, that explain that upon birth, your child will be taken from you to be raised in Re-Education camps? Boy are you and Bridgette in for a surprise.

  4. kevin s. says:

    Appropriately, the pregnant woman is barefoot.

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